How do I put this in writing when I couldn’t even utter the right words to make people understand. I’m feeling NUMB and DUMB. Only god knows how my heart aches at this moment. I really want to cry so that these frustration, sadness, loneliness would find their way out, away from me. But not a single tear is shed until now…. I guess the potions I’m taking are working ‘as it should’. However, I need the tears out……. it’s extremely painful inside; crying it out would sooth my broken heart.

I’m still hoping for the best and only He knows what’s best for me. My prayer is for me to be able to accept whatever that has been written for me. I’ll play ‘wait and see’ for a few days. While doing so, all I could do is beg Him for some clues.

Some people are blessed with fairy tale’s life….

…. or so I thought.

And for the rest of us….

…. living is just as painful (if not more than) as dying.

Still having this toothache and damn myself for not going to the dentist this afternoon. Maybe I’ll self-medicating by taking those antibiotics from the last visits. *Whooops…. shouldn’t antibiotics be taken until finish??.*

In fact, new drug regime does begins tonight. To prevent future STERN look  from the doctor, please take your meds RELIGIOUSLY. *Dear my dear doctor; I’m sure you are aware that since it’s  not a life threatening situation…I’m just being a forgetful human being.*

*…… and this message goes to my dear dentist; don’t have to scold (be mad at) me for not getting that x-ray. And see what’s happening now?? I keep finding excuses to not having to see you.*

And at the end I’m the one who’s suffering:

Couldn’t write more (though I really want to)…. tooth (or maybe teeth, can’t really tell) is aching badly.

Sepanjang hari ni macam macam rasa ada.

Seram sejuk sampai pakai sweater zip sampai hidung ngan hood skali pastu sembunyi bawah quilt.

Sakit gigi rasa cam nak tercabut sume gigi.

Rasa badan ringan cam nak terbang bila jalan.

Jantung asyik buat sprint.

Pepagi lagi dah tak tahan nak menangis.

Bengang ngan hospital and  doctor.

Rasa lapar sangat tapi bila makan 2 sudu je boleh masuk.

Bengang kat dentist.

BENGANG NGAN DIRI SENDIRI RASA CAM NAK MATI.

How does my day sounds??

It was exceptionally quiet at the office today. A few are already on leave for eid (yes… EID is coming. I’m going home tomorrow) and MANY are happily attending AMROS training. If not for A’s radio that was exceptionally loud today, rasa macam dalam kubur agaknya… (exaggerating).

*Rasa nak menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu, entah kenapa… mungkinkah bulan ini Bulan Bahasa??*

Since yesternight, I’m in the mood to post photos actually. Let me see….

*flipping (……. browsing) through photo albums that haven’t been browsed yet (knock knock. hello anne!! it’s nearly a year)*.

GOSH, they’re thousands of photos!!!! Parents’ visit, GRADUATION, Melbourne trip. Haiyo. Which should I publish first??

*think think think*.

OK it’s already Maghrib. PAUSE.

I’m back and the verdict is: COCKLES

daddy and mommy

keep all eyes open

there's one

dig pa... dig

siblings

i just love beaches

Goolwa

let's go home

Location: Goolwa, December 2008

*sigh*… I’ve put a lot of effort in making this entry a success.

After taking 2 biji rivotril, my heart has finally stop racing. Maybe it has won a gold medal or something, I can’t tell for sure.

At the moment I’m enjoying the heavenly taste of Maltesers… yeah Mr Maltesers the chocolate ball. To be precise, milk chocolate ball with honeycomb core. Apa yang best is, dia ada rasa manis dan masin. *tetiba teringat chocolate pedas (‘hot chocolate’) kat melba’s chocolate factory. I never had the gut to taste it though people say they’re quite nice. So sesiapa yang akan melawat that place, do taste that weird chocolate.  * Back to Maltesers, I just realize that the chocolate coating tastes the same as Kit Kat. Are they from the same company or what??

Semenjak dua menjak ni, saya rasa cuaca di Malaysia… terutamanya di dalam bilik saya dan office saya amat sejukkkkk sekali. Ala ala nak masuk autumn. Macam best je berhibernate bawah quilt ni (seperti yang saya telah lakukan masa weekends). On aircond, masuk bawah quilt, mengadap laptop. Very very very nice way of relaxing. Kalau kat office tu takkan nak bawak quilt kan? So I just have to bear the cold…..(kadang-kadang pakai jugak sweater dan menimbulkan spekulasi bahawa saya tak sihat). Well it’s not exactly cold for other people. The only exception is me. Maybe I budak kampung yang tak biasa dengan aircond? BUT aircond kat office dah tinggal satu je…. hurm why eh I sejuk?? Hantu nearby kot. Tapi kalau turun hangar…..berpeluh peluh la. Lagi lagi masuk aircraft yang tak on aircond, phewww macam dok dalam microwave.

Hari ni dan besok saya ada training. Memandangkan pergi dengan lokman, training ni dah jadi macam main main pulak. Asyik ketawa je kat belakang. Ye lah, module module yang dikasi tu boleh ngelat. TAPI KITORANG TAK NGELAT. Buat dengan pantasnya lagi. Click sana click sini tiba tiba dah siap.  Hahaha. Bila dah siap buat, baru terfikir “eh ape yg dah dibuat tadi ar”, then baru nak tanya soalan. Duh… rosak rosak. Entah entah lepas ni ada angin bertiup kencang yang engineers SED main-main masa kelas.. HABIS LAH. Tapi we enjoy the training… ade jugak a few benda yang saya lost. Tapi when the time comes I’m sure I’ll be able to understand the system better.

OK la… malas nak tulis lebih panjang. Nak chatting dengan Cookies. Daaa

Between my chat with mr chipsmore and another friend last night, I managed to write quite a long entry…. about my days in primary school. I clicked the PUBLISH button and whoosh… everything went missing (. It’s not even stored as draft!!. Whatever, I’ll told that story another time; when my mood is into that.

Erghhhh…. I feel like screaming. Why?? It seems that many obstacles surfaces in me and mr chipsmore’s story. The only thing that we can say is : “Entahla…. entahla macam mana ” for thousand times. He seems to have so many commitments that I can’t foresee how our ending would be like. Well, when he’s available I’m not and when I’m available he’s not. *Sigh*. Mungkin patut main kayu tiga tak??  Kalaulah kita boleh tinggalkan semua tanggungjawab….

Duh…. I think this entry is so dull. Don’t you think so??? In fact this whole blog is dull, mundane. I’m living a dull, mundane life. Which suddenly makes me angry, *as I’m munching the last piece of my chocolate Rocky*.

Time flies, it’s already 9.29 pm, Sunday. And tomorrow is going to be another hopefully fun day at work. How can people actually have fun at work??. Owh talking about work I might as well tell you readers some ghost stories. Yup… the rumours are, the office  (or in fact the whole hangar) is haunted (slightly). These are narrated by Mr Yee and Gopal.

1. Mr Y: “You see the table in front of Ismail’s office?? There was once a computer there, but it’s not there anymore. Once, Yap was working alone on that computer at late night when he suddenly saw a reflection of a face on the monitor. So he just cabut and left everything behind. “
2. Mr Y: “I was working on Sunday once….. when my wife went to work, I came here. When I was working, suddenly the aircond in Ismail office turned on. The office was locked you know. So I took they key and open it, turned off the aircond and locked the door. And it went on again, and I turned it off again and it went on again.”
3. Mr Y: “This is what the guard said. I don’t know whether it’s true or not.  There’s always a lady holding her head by that main stairs…. you know, the one in the middle. “
4. Gopal: “I often stayed back before. Once me and Syahrul stayed back. I was sitting at the back and Syahrul sat at your place. When I was working, I heard Syahrul keeps moving the chair, like you know, shifting place and so on. When I want to go back, I saw that Syahrul wasn’t there. Owh god…… I asked Syahrul and he said he’d left.” *And added Mr Y.”but to see another Syahrul at the table is even worse”**LAUGH*
5. Gopal: “You know in hangar 75? There’s a time when all the aircraft floats…. all the Nuri were like this *with his animated hand*”. *Silent*…..*Then laughter erupted… why?? Because we know he’s bluffing. He just LOVES TO BLUFF this man.*

Those are some of the stories told by them last Friday. There was a black out for hours at the office after lunch. So we just sat at the meeting room and talk nonsense until the boss allow everyone to leave an hour earlier due to the power interruption. Yahoooo said google.

At the moment I’m visualizing a pair of sharp scissor (I’m not really sure why it has to be scissor, not blade), wrist and blood….. lots of blood. Something is going haywired inside by head. As I said couples of times back in 2008, the self-inflicted physical-pain and the sight of blood make me so content. Mind you, only MY OWN blood….. I won’t go around hunting other people and suck their blood like a vampire.

I am truly at a dead end on why this feeling to injure myself often visited me. Maybe there’s couple of explanation:

1. To seek attention. But why on earth do I need to seek attention when I in fact am hating the attention given to me right now?? I hate it when they discuss about my being, I hate it when mama can always read me and ask “anne ‘tak sihat’ ke?”, “anne stress ke?”, “anne sakit kepala?” even just by talking on the phone, I hate it when mama saw all the scars and asked about them though I tried my best to cover it with my watch………. (I told her I got that from work…. end of story. And I’m damn sure she doesn’t buy that but said no more).
2. To make me feel strong. Majority of people on earth and the outer space have no guts to hurt themselves. So in this situation, I’m above the majority.  To be physically strong is important for the emotionally weak like myself. I can’t be weak at all trades.
3. To express anger and frustration. I personally keep most anger and frustration to myself. Most of the time I ended up being really angry at myself for that. To make things worse, I see everything that went wrong as my failure, my bad, my fault. That doubles the ‘really angry’.  So what would one do when he’s really really pissed off with the other?? Violent fight!! I’m actually fighting with myself.
4. Just for fun and satisfaction. It has become a hobby or habit. When I’m stress out, I like to see the blood flow out….. like all the stressful things leaving my body.

Am I insane?  

So give me the verdict readers…

A: This girl is insane

B: This is a normal phase for someone who’s gonna turn 25 in 10 months

C: She’s brilliant!!! Can’t you see how she can be a good psychologist???

Vote now… Poll centre is open 24/7, 7 days/week. Your feedback is much appreciated.

Anne

Dah 10 hari rupanya saya menyepikan diri dari blog ini. Sebenarnya saya tidak berhenti menulis; saya ada menulis di dalam diari. Niat asalnya; bila ada masa, tempat dan mood yang sesuai, penulisan itu akan di-digital-kan ke dalam The Manic Me. Tapi selepas tergendala selama beberapa hari, saya mula tawar hati untuk men-digital-kan entry itu kerana dirasakan sudah basi… (as usual).

A few days back, Cookie ada ajak pergi Melbourne…..memang tak patut tak patut. Instead of joining the family for umrah, takkan saya nak bercuti ke Melbourne pulak kan?? Budget pon tight…. (itu excuse utama saya untuk untuk tidak turut serta ke Mekah; selain faktor ketiadaan cuti). AirAsia pon satu, takde pulak buat promotion ke Jeddah.

Melbourne: dah beberapa kali ke sana (tapi tidak sebanyak orang lain yang berulang alik dari Adel-Melb macam Payneham ke City… or maybe ke Glenelg jauh skit). Asal rasa nak makan KFC ke charcoal chicken ke Krispy Kreme ke Es Teller (sedapnya lamb fried kotiow die….) ke ape ape makanan yang best je mesti nak pergi Melbourne. It is a place where the kampung’nist Adelaidean visit to fulfill their crave for unlimited supply of various Halal food. Not just the usual SB (SB: no offence!!), K-Nood bla bla bla.

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Semenjak beberapa hari ni saya rasa tidur tidak pernah cukup. Walaupon saya tidur awal, liat sangat untuk bangun pagi. Rasanya seperti lansung tidak tidur… SIGH. Ade harinya… saya tidur seawal jam 7.30pm dan bangun hanya pada jam 6.45am. Itupon dengan SANGAT terpaksa. Serasanya ingin saja tidur selama 24 jam.

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Weekends lepas saya melawat Papa di Kota Bharu. Sempat melawat……. melawat…….. melawat MuseumS. Ade snap a few photos which I intend to post later.

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Maaf semua atas percampuran bahasa dan topik. Tidak bermaksud merosakkan bahasa melayu atau bahasa inggeris. Cuma menulis apa yang terlintas di kepala tanpa sebarang tapisan atau penggubalan.

-i’m not crazy-

These past few days, life has (or I have??) been extremely….. how do I say it?

Quoting Gopal:  ” why so quiet?  there’s like dark, grey clouds over you this week??”

Quoting Nadia: ” Anne you OK tak? tak best la macam ni “

Quoting Mai: ” Anne kenapa ni? “

Quoting Lokman: ” nape today? “

Quoting K. Ruby: ” Anne sakit ke? “

Quoting Dr R: “ WHY ARE YOU HALF DEAD? “

Enough quotes for today. The point is, my brain is dysfunctional and I just want to sleep for the whole day………………..

Do I need to explain myself ? Well, read this:

Source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356/DSECTION=symptoms

Depressive phase of bipolar disorder
Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder may include:

• Sadness
• Hopelessness
• Suicidal thoughts or behavior
• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Sleep problems
• Appetite problems
• Fatigue
• Loss of interest in daily activities
• Problems concentrating
• Irritability
• Chronic pain without a known cause

 

 

Had I explain myself clearly?

 I’m tired of swimming against the current and now, I allow myself to be drifted away.