These past few days, life has (or I have??) been extremely….. how do I say it?

Quoting Gopal:  ” why so quiet?  there’s like dark, grey clouds over you this week??”

Quoting Nadia: ” Anne you OK tak? tak best la macam ni “

Quoting Mai: ” Anne kenapa ni? “

Quoting Lokman: ” nape today? “

Quoting K. Ruby: ” Anne sakit ke? “

Quoting Dr R: “ WHY ARE YOU HALF DEAD? “

Enough quotes for today. The point is, my brain is dysfunctional and I just want to sleep for the whole day………………..

Do I need to explain myself ? Well, read this:

Source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356/DSECTION=symptoms

Depressive phase of bipolar disorder
Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder may include:

• Sadness
• Hopelessness
• Suicidal thoughts or behavior
• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Sleep problems
• Appetite problems
• Fatigue
• Loss of interest in daily activities
• Problems concentrating
• Irritability
• Chronic pain without a known cause

 

 

Had I explain myself clearly?

 I’m tired of swimming against the current and now, I allow myself to be drifted away.

Me and the whole of Wan Hussin’s clan are saddened by the sudden departure of a dear son, husband (and dad),  grandson, brother, nephew, cousin and for myself a fellow blogger.

As a cousin, I rarely met him when we were younger….. in fact if we were to bump into each other on the road, I wouldn’t recognize him, SERIOUSLY. Not until early this year had I got the chance to know him and, surprisingly we got along well; considering his extremely shy attitude. We talk, we chat, we text….. he loves photography and blogging too.

Since Arwah Tok’s departure back in 2000 (correct me if I’m wrong….  I was reading my History text-book, preparing for PMR when I answered the phone and Mama Habsah told me ” Anne, tok dah takde..”), the  family rarely meets up.

Just a few months back (In June I guess), we all headed up to JB for his wedding reception. That was really an occassion mainly because the whole family gathered together, being ‘reunited’ with long lost family members (I bet some of us doesn’t even know each other),  get to enjoy the legendary mee rebus pak aji and ayam penyet at angsana (the first and second generation of Wan Hussin’s clan used to live in JB for quite some time before Tok Wan Hussin was transferred to Kota Bharu. So that was quite nostalgic), and not to be forgotten our Grand dinner.

And yesterday, merely 5 months after the wedding, we were in JB again, but under different kind of atmosphere; attending his funeral. He is gone to meet the Creator. He left us at a very young age of 26, leaving behind his wife of 5 months, which now bore their unborn child. As for me, we were just beginning to get to know each other, tightening the family knot which is loose for so long; thus it hits me quite hard.

May Allah place him among the pious and righteous. And may Allah give strength to Uncle Johari, Aunty Memey, Isma and family to get through this hardship.

Al-Fatihah for Arwah Wan Hazri Wan Johari.

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And I know wawan’s going is such a blow for Aunty Ita as well as the situation is very much similar to what she has experienced when Uncle Johan passed away. My prayers are for you and Aira always.

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My whinning for today:  I don’t like the doctor here (

miss you

miss you

miss you

m.i.s.s.y.o.u.m.u.c.h

Announcing my extremely-short-drug-supply situation. From recent count (about 10 minutes ago), what I have in stock are:

1. 1 Risperdal
2. 3 Zoloft
3. 11 Epilim

Thus;

Risperdal will last for another day, Zoloft supply is enough for another 2 days and I will ran out of Epilim after 3 1/2  days. Though the situation is critical, I do not plan to go home to see my psychiatrist nor do I have the plan to see ’foreign’ psychiatrist here in KL this weekends. Why??

1. I’m too tired to travel home.
2. I’m scared of ‘foreign’ doctor…. in fact I’m scared of any changes. I HATE CHANGES.

If I’m not busy and tired, maybe I’ll head home the next weekends. So… we’ll see how I’ll be doing without drugs yeah? Pray for me readers…. as I’m scared of the outcomes.

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Speaking of which; after what seems to be a looooooong mood sway and depressed period, today (Wednesday) my mood had improved a lot. I’m not as gloomy as the weather (it was raining heavily this afternoon) and more ’sunny’ than usual.

Or maybe too sunny that I’m still wide awake at this moment.

I’m sooo sleepy right now but NO sleep is allowed till I finish this write up. Though there’s only a tiny portion left to be finished off, I can’t proceed. Suddenly, my brain shuts itself.  So here am I, writing for The Manic Me instead.

This lappy’s adapter and battery are giving me so much trouble that I do not know how long it will last before I bang everything on the wall. And why on earth am I not given a PC at the office? That’s the ridiculous thing that my mind can’t reasons. How do they expect me to work without a computer? Why on earth do I need to spend MY OWN money to provide myself a tool to enable me to do my job FOR the COMPANY? For God sake…. it’s super simple common sense: OWN MONEY shouldn’t be used to perform COMPANY’S JOB. Anybody care to buy me a new adapter, battery or laptop??

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I know there will be lots of error in this entry. I just talk to someone…. and instead of saying “dah tak boleh berFIKIR”, I said “dah tak boleh berBUKA”. wth/

When I…. do not give a damn about others.

When I…. constantly lost in my own thoughts.

When I…. am detached from the real world.

When I…. unknowingly practice stupidity.

When I…. can’t draw the line between being-in-right-mind and being-out-of-mind.

When I…. do not give a damn about anything.

Then I…. know that I am gravely depressed.

I’m feeling stupid!!! Why is this happening? Is it just my feeling? Or am I trully dumb?

The desire to cut myself is so strong….

God, please don’t put that on my sin’s list; I’m just insane.

I think I’ve wrote this before…. ‘SHOPPING is a good therapy’. I went out just now and bought myself a pack of Maltesers (finally), 12 Kit-Kats, yoghurt topped cereal bars (so I won’t skip breakfast) and large chips from McD.

(Allow me to whine;)

I’m getting overly anxious day by day and for those who doesn’t know how it feels like, it’s CRAP and DAMN tiring. I don’t think I can do with anything worrisome (by my definition) at the moment.

Owh this is plain STUPID… I’m off to bed and hopefully won’t wake up on the wrong side.

I’m having head-neck-shoulder-aches (as usual) and what’s worse, I’m not FEELING ok. Believe me, after 2 years of D I’m good at predicting where my mood is heading to….

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I also know that I love my niece and nephew so much that their faces melt my heart and put me at ease. Thus I post here pictures of Umair, my nephew. He’s nearly 3 month old now, but sure looks like a big boy already. He smiles a lot and I LOVE HIM.

smile for me

Umair

Umairah deary: I’ll post your photos next. Don’t worry.

This is entry 2:

Nothing comes to my mind yet

END

RESUME

Owh I just remember. Couple of days back I was wandering in carrefour and spotted maltesers. With the sudden crave I grabbed one and went to scan the price. Gosh… RM8.90 per pack!!! There’s no way I’m gonna spend that much money on chocolate. Could someone please tell me why chocolates in Malaysia are expensive??  I remember my first raya in Adelaide, one of the biskut raya that we served was a bucket of maltesers.

maltesers as biskut raya

That one cost us around $10 I think. Isn’t that heaven?? A bucketfull of maltesers for $10? Well as far as raya is concern, at least half  of the bucket was emptied by raya eve; consumed by me and qlod. As to mention other chocolates, I can get KitKat Chunky and Mars and Snickers and TWIX for $1.50 or huge Cadbury bar for around $3.00 at woolies. And please please don’t convert the aussie dollar to ringgit for comparison. Due to the high price of chocolate here, I have now become less chocoholic…….

…….. And more roti-canai-holic due to the abandonment of roti canai stall back home. I just love roti canai and I’m sure have been addicted to it. BUT, only roti canai melayu; not mamak’s. Somehow I prefer kuah melayu.

It’s a wonder actually that when you get back from foreign country you appreciate the local cuisine better. I was never a fan of roti canai before but now I have to have my dose of roti canai every weekends (weekends because on weekdays I can’t find roti canai melayu in Subang). Now I crave for roti canai depan kedai ‘rebung madu’ in Kuala Nerang. It’s just SUPERB. During raya, I tasted ketupat… and I was like ‘wow!!!.’  I never knew ketupat can be really tasty. So I ate like 6 ketupats that day.

All in all;

Hujan chocolate-bubble tea-oporto di negeri aussie, hujan roti canai-ketupat-nasi di negeri mesia; I love both.

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Pardon my language.