Blogging

I walked out of office by 1700 today (well maybe off by a minute or 2). Surprisingly I didn’t bring any work home.  So…. as it’s suppose to be a rare long relaxing evening for me, I asked my sister out:

Me: Jom pergi KLCC

Sis: Malas

Me: WangsaWalk Mall?

Sis: Malas

Me: Swimming?

Sis: Malas

As I don’t want to shop, watch movie, swim, nor go to the gym alone, here I am; stuck on the couch blogging and yawning. Well, maybe I’ll write couples of entries today. So this is #1.

NOK

I was thinkingof writing about Maltesers and Roti Canai when this sudden uneasy, angry feeling strucks me. I’m not OK I’m not OK I’m not OK. Rasa macam nak telan sebotol ubat.

Anne, Allah tarik sikit Dia gantikan dengan yang lebih banyak <jadi kenapa perlu ada pressure dalam hidup??>

Anne is really sleepy right now but thinking of reading. But, she is sure that she won’t make it past 3 minutes. And damn it, the meds’ in the longe and she’s in her room. If she delay it till tomorrow morning…. she will surely be zombified.

Nite,

Zombie

Risperdal

Indeed it has been a long tiring day as I’ve foreseen. So as I pack up to leave office, I decided NOT to continue working at home; thus all job related stuff were left behind (well except for my beloved laptop).

Life isn’t exactly perfect at the moment…. in fact it’s going downhill since eid. My brain is having trouble to do the thinking. ‘Bursting-heart’ feeling comes frequently: been gulping rivotril everyday (max daily dose is up to two now but there’s always the day when the limit is exceeded). God… please don’t let this affect my work. I’m up to the neck at this moment and I have the feeling that I’m doing terribly.

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I’m currently reading The Time Traveller’s Wifeand I came across this:

Sunday, September 5, 1993 (Clare is 22, Henry is 30)

Clare: ….

“What are you looking for?”

“Something I can take for the wedding. I don’t want to leave you standing at the altar in front of four hundred people.”

….

“So are you finding anything ?”

” Well ideally I would like a neuroleptic called Risperdal, but it won’t be marketed until 1994. The next best thing would be Clorazil , and a possible third choice would be Haldol.”

….

“Isn’t there anything else?”

“Valium. Librium. Xanax.”

 

Monday, September 6, 1993 (Henry is 30)

Henry:

….

“I need to be there. I need to get through about eight hours of huge, mind boggling stress, without disappearing.”

….

“I need something that’s going to K.O. every dopamine receptor I’ve got.”

….

“I was hoping you could make this for me.” I fish around in my jeans for the paper, find it and hand it over. Ben squints at it, reads. 

“3-[2-[4-96-fluoro-1,2-benizisoaxial-3-yl)….colloidol silicom dioxide, hydroxypropyl methylcellulose…propylene glycol…” He looks up at me bewildered. “What is this?”

“It’s a new antipsychotic called risperidone, marketed as Risperdal. It will be commercially available in 1998, but I would like to try it now. It belongs to a new class of drugs called benzioxazole derivatives”

Perhaps I should explain a lil bit. Henry is a time traveller and he’s going to marry Clare. With his condition, he’s afraid that he might time-travel during the wedding and ruin everything. From his reading, he decided that Risperdal would be the best drug to help him stay in the present. As the drug is not yet available, he went to Ben to help him make the drug.

***************************************************************

Something to ponder:

Henry is a time traveller. So he needs Risperdal.

I need Risperdal. So… does this mean I’m a time traveller too?? (reverse engineering method).

Update…

It’s been a while. So here’s a quick one, just to keep this blog alive and mark the day, 1/10/2009; the 4th month of me working here. Life’s been OK on the average… oscillating between GOOD, SO-SO, and BAD.

I’m heading to Kota Bharu this weekends….TIRED though am I, my presence would make mama and papa happy. So…… what’s more important than that?

It’s time for meds and sleep (it’s getting difficult to sleep… da da da stop complaining).

Night!!

-anne-

Prickling…

At times like this, the scars are prickling to be cut open again. I’m thinking hard of slashing the back of my hand or carve something on my arm. But that will surely leaves scars, causing mom and dad to notice, which I hate. I don’t want that. I know my writing here may be perceived as attention seeking by many. But out of this cyber world, in the REAL world I tried my best to look normal, to avoid attention from the people around. Only in cyber world do I whine. In REAL world, all questions on my being would be answered by ‘OK…. I’m OK’.  I’m embarrassed with myself. This may sounds stupid and ungrateful, but frankly, I would prefer to have some sort of cancer or other diseases than this.

Speaking of disease, my dear cousin Ayin has been admitted to CCU this morning as she had another attack. Hope nothing is serious and you’ll get better soon. She’s going to depart for Bangalore in two weeks time, so hopefully she’ll recover by then.

Somehow when I care and talk about others’ problems, I feel better.  

 

-the manic me-

 

Bad…

This is not good, not good, not good.

I’m falling.

I’m tired, EXTREMELY tired.

This is ridiculous.

Dinner

Ok dah makan nasi, makan kuih dan tidak dilupakan makan ubat. Makan ubat…. muak, mahal plak tu. Kalau I kumpul-kumpul duit tu dah boleh beli 4 biji blackberry agaknya. Drug company ni memang banyak buat duit. Agaknya berapa la gaji scientist kat company tu. Ramai yang kata “sampai bila nak bergantung pada ubat?”, “berenti la makan ubat”. I dah cuba beberapa kali and it turned out to be disastrous. Memang kadang kadang I malas sangat nak bergerak semata mata nak pegi amik ubat. Sebabnya simple; ubat tak memberi kepuasan seperti McD, KFC, murtabak, nasi goreng ayam, roti canai atau biskut raya. Memang kadang kadang I skip sebab malas atau lupa. Tapi untuk stop terus I TAKUT. I betul-betul takut. Kerana sakit itu terlampau sakit. Tak boleh cure dengan minyak ubat ataupon panadol. Rasa serabut sangat, rasa stress sangat, rasa nak nangis je sepanjang masa, rasa macam nak meletup jantung, rasa macam penat untuk terus hidup, tak nampak what future holds for me, rasa macam takde jalan penyelesaian untuk everything, rasa dengan mati saja dapat lupakan semua benda. Tapi macam mana orang boleh faham kalau tak pernah experience sendiri. Memang kadang kadang sakit itu datang juga walaupon on medication. Tapi sakitnya sekejap and I got the time to heal before sakit itu datang lagi.

Sebenarnya I menulis sekarang kerana I penat. Banyak yang perlu I siap-dan-sediakan sebelum ke Kuantan. Otak I sudah tepu dan penat. I need a break but I don’t have KitKat. Jadi I sambung besok sajalah kerja kerja tersebut. Selain dari kepenatan melampau, secara umumnya I consider myself as OK dengan kesibukan ini. Selagi emosi I stabil dan masih mampu tersenyum, itu adalah satu pencapaian membanggakan buat I.

Kebelakangan ini susah betul I nak tido. Walaupon I begitu penat sekali bila pulang ke rumah I tetap susah nak tidur. Penyakit insomnia mula menjengah kembali, harapnya tidak berpanjangan. Bila I force my eyes to shut, my brain akan mula jadi overactive. Fikir itu fikir ini…. sungguh merimaskan. Akhirnya jam 2 pagi I masih terkebil-kebil, wide awake walaupon sudah berbaringan sejak jam 11.

Sekarang jam 10, I ingat nak pergi baca novel la. Sekarang I tengah baca Mistaken Identity. Half way through. Jadi kena pay a visit to MPH or Kinokuniya soon. Alright, selamat tinggal readers.

Off

After a week, he’s off the pacifier. Apparently Umair doesn’t like it anymore and from the video calls made, he seems more behaved. Good boy!! Umairah as usual would dash off to the door whenever I call because she thought I’m waiting outside the house and couldn’t get in. She would give me the sweetest smiles and try making conversation in her own language. Owh god, how I love these two kids; lots. I miss them terribly.

Now that I have blood pressure monitor at home (courtesy to exxon), I learn that my blood pressure is at the low end. Today’s reading is 89/53, pulse: 93 bpm (gosh anyone can be a ‘doctor’ nowadays). I guess that’s what turning my world BLACK and SPINNING whenever I stand or look up suddenly. And I can’t help myself from noticing that I’m off balance when I stand and walk. OR… the big OR is: the reason for all the symptoms is that I’M JUST TOO CLUMSY!!!! Ok enough of playing’ doctor’ here. Should stick with the title of  ‘aircraft doctor’, ’interior designer’ and ‘tukang kayu’.

So do I need more blood??

Don’t…

Don’t say a word. Why?? I’m so very extremely damn tired. YAWN. Somehow I woke up this morning feeling like I haven’t slept at all. To even move from this couch to cook or look for food seems like a hard work!! YAWN. To make things worse, it’s been a hectic day at work. YAWN. ZzzzzZ….

present and pacifier

Feels like updating this blog; since it’s a long weekends again.

Guess what!!! I did buy myself a present. The all new samsonite backpack for my not-so-new dell notebook. I miss baby Umair badly. I want to hold him, cuddle him, kiss him, crush him? Speaking of which, I had successfully fed Umair (formula of course), burped him, bedungkan dia and put him to sleep. Yeay… that’s a new phase in my life. At least now people can trust me to babysit their babies.

umair

Since Umair now becomes such a colicky baby, (he’s either sleep, feed or CRY), he is now using pacifier. Seeing him sucking that thing is quite cute actually… haha. I can’t wait for RAYA; to see him in his new gears (first baju melayu, first jeans, first sneaker etc). And of course Umairah in her new baju kurung and dresses.