Surat Cinta Lagi

Dear PA, 

I know what I wrote just now are so rude. I’m blaming you for something that most people in the world would also do. I’m sorry yet I am not truly sorry. It is just a mixed feeling. When you say something about masjid and quran, it is like pouring salt into old wound. 

Honestly, I am angry. Angry at how the people of my own religion tends to look down at people who has an illness like me…. the mentally ill people. Even famous scholar, mufti Menk in one of his preach said once “depression has no place in Islam because Islam made people happy”. So what am I then? What are we then? Non Muslims?  Non Believer? 

People might not know this, the tiny faith that is left in out heart might be brighter than the faith shining through their entire body. People would never know how difficult it is for that tiny faith to stop us from taking our own life, to harm ourselves in any way. So please, do not judge us. 

Dear PA,

I’m not sure if you will ever read this entry. But I’m really sorry for my rudeness. I intentionally made you my punch bag tonight. No excuses will ever justify my action. You are always nice and lovely, too nice in fact. I would totally understand if you want me to see other doctor in the future. 


-TMM-

Dekatkan diri…. 

They says…. dekatkan diri dengan tuhan. Mungkin paling dekat adalah bila Dia panggil aku kembali. 

33-11-5

So it is going to be 17 tonight. I’m ready. 

Surat Cinta

Mama, Papa….

Would you be ashamed of me? Of whatever that might happen to me? If I lose the battle against bipolar? Honestly, I’m thinking of you… of how you would face the public if they knew I am mentally ill. Or worse, if I die of it. You may not say it….. but I know. Whenever people ask, which one is sick….. the answer was never me. But I’m not angry, because if I were in your place, I’ll do the same too. I’m ashamed of myself.

If I were to be locked up for whatever stupid things I might done, it would be such an embarrasent to the whole family. I know and I’m sorry. Things are getting difficult and out of control by days. I started overdosing, I started hurting myself. I am angry. Angry for being an attention seeker. So I pledge not to complaint about anything to anyone anymore except you TMM. Because you are me and I am you. 

Mama, Papa….. 

It was never your fault. I’m just wired differently. I think I have bring enough trouble to both of you. I know up until now, you can’t understand what is it that upsets me. You spent so much money for my medical needs and to bring me happiness. I  can never repay that. I hope you can forgive my wrongdoings. Halalkan segala apa yang you gave me dari anne dalam kandungan sampai sekarang. 

My life is getting intolerable. I admit I constantly wants it to end. But I have this tiny speck of iman inside to NOT do it. You raised me right ma, pa.

I’m going to take more than few meds to help me to sleep tonite. I have no intention for bad things to happen…. but if it does…. you know it is unintentional. 

I love you. 

Cut

Ops, I’m back to cutting TMM. This time, somewhere people can’t see. For their benefits, not mine. It says: D I E. Still hurts, but very calming. 

The biggest I have made im size. Could not find a razor blade, so a needle was utilized. I wish I’m all alone inside a cave….. so I can do whatever I want with my body without hurting other people. 

Last night I took 5mg clonazepam…. nothing much happen, except that I slept like a baby until 11am. Probably I should double it tonite? 

Love letter

Some would say, I should be on the prayer mat talking to God than writing to God here. Well, I’m just human. TMM is my blog, my lifeline. It is up to me what I want to do with it. I think I rarely use TMM to badmouth people…. this is purely about me. About how I feel. An outlet for me to say what’s building up inside my mind. As I said many times before, I’m better at writing than talking. TMM no longer has many readers as it used to be when I was a student….. in fact I have only as recently as this made it public again. I don’t really care about the number of readers…. as long as I am able to pen out my thoughts without being judged is all that matters. 

——————-

This love letter is dedicated to God. Yes, God doesn’t need love letters, He knew what is inside my heart. But as a human being I need to pour it out so that I know what IS inside my heart. It all so messed up and complicated inside, even I do not know what to do except cry. I cried a lot these few days. YUP. I cried without knowing why. The tears just welled up and before I knew it, I’m crying silently in the middle of the night. I feel like hugging someone…. but I have only myself. I cried to sleep. People say crying is therapy…. I agree to some extend. 

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Dear God, 

I’m not a good servant, far from pious. That’s why I’m constantly in anger of the test you gave me. The tests are so miniscule compared to what others got, but I can’t handle it. Such a weak muslim am I? You knew it and I knew it too. 

But You are the most merciful. I do hope you can forgive me for my mistakes. I’m a sinner….hell lot of sins. Please forgive me for I cannot take the pain anymore. 

I hope for something that a true muslim shouldn’t hope for. I want it all to end. END…. just plain END. When it ends, I won’t be the annoyinn attention seeker anymore. I won’t be angry at the people I love anymore. I won’t let people down anymore. I won’t have to fake anything anymore. I won’t have to argue anymore. People won’t have to care anymore. 

Dear God, 

Would you ever pardon me if I want to die? I know you would….. 

Raya

Hahaha, a friend actually asked me to forget all my problems and enjoy raya first. I actually despise it. I hate reading all those raya hashtags on facebook. 

Today I tried calling Socso again and again and again, but still no one answered. And I somehow has this feeling of not wanting to burden my mind thinking about it anymore. I’ve decided to not buy that f*cking machine. I’ll face the consequences, comes what may. Who cares if I can’t be a good engineer anymore, yawning and coming in late all the time, like they f*cking care about me before. And when I’m fired, I’ll just …… I’ll think about it later. 

CPAP

First night with CPAP machine. Trial with Philips’ REMstar Auto, with my choice of mask… the Wisp. 

We’ll see my new AHI score in a week; from 76, aiming for 5… for real? 

———–

I was in so much anger this afternoon… at PERKESO, medical dept. I rang them at 3.30pm and nobody answered the bloody phone despite their working hour during ramadan is until 5pm. I would understand if they are lazy at 4.30… but 3.30 people? Seriously? You tarnish PERKESO reputation. Fasting doesn’t mean you get to be lazy…. you are paid to do your job so DO your job. 

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Ahhh sakit hati je cakap pasal mereka. Till the next post. 

TMM

Honesty

Can I continue with this arrangement? Can I honestly say that this is better than previous condition? It isn’t an easy choice/solution/decision to made…. or to accept…. or really to admit. 

Maybe I should try to answer this as how someone suggested few weeks back: “say, put money aside…. how would I want it to be? ” 

It is not simple, but to be truthful with myself is crucial. 

What? Why? How? 

Confused TMM? I’m confused too. People won’t help you if they do not believe you have problems. And that brings back the question of “do they know about this?”. But to my defend, why would I terhegeh hegeh if people are unwilling to listen? 

Hospital

Tadi kat facebook, ada sorang member share gambar gambar illustration untuk hospital cyberjaya. To be honest, aku rasa allergic gila tengok gambar hospital tahun ni. Rasa macam nak muntah. 

Sejak hujung tahun lepas, tak berhenti henti aku bertapa kat hospital…… samada aku jaga family members atau aku sendiri merengkok kat hospital. 

Belum campur dengan appointments aku kat hospital yang tak henti henti. Kelmarin pulak Prof A set appointment untuk aku jumpa doctor endocrine….. maka bertambah la bilangan doctor yang aku kena jumpa regularly. Seriously….. pergi muntah sekejap.

Dato S plak dok tanya mana aku mana aku kat office. Sucks really. Aku marah sleep apnea tu pulak sekarang. Kenapa? Sebab aku kena settlekan whatever treatment untuk benda tu pulak. Nak kena trial machine, isi borang, dapat surat approval doctor, perkeso…… Aku punya plan nak masuk pejabat balik tinggal 2 minggu je lagi. Kacang hantu betul. Aku pon tak tau kenapa aku dissapointed. Tuhan yang bagi semua ni… aku patut redha la. Bukan teruk sangat pon…. Aku letih sebenarnya. Aaah lantakkan laa office tu. Biar laa separuh gaji pon…..