Addict

I think I am an addict. Not a drug addict but I’m rather addicted to self inflicted pain from cutting. Maybe for some it is not normal, but after some googling, it is not a rare occurance either. So why bother right? 

At the end, coping techniques goes down the drain. 🔪

Keep going 

It is funny really. Had a breakdown last night. Pathetic. Just hugged the pillow and suddenly the tears just came streaming down. Just what is going on? Confusing as hell. When I thought all is well, all hell breaks loose too. 

I wanted to hug my mom…. but I refrained myself from it. She has a lot in her mind already. Worrying for one sick daughter is enough. I don’t want to make it into two. Besides, everyone thinks I’m ok now even myself. Probably what happened last night was just a one off event. 

For now,  I’ll just…. I don’t know. Just sleep maybe? 

TMM

Pengecut

Have you ever feel so tired yet your eyes refuses to sleep? You keep on yawning and turning in bed, and nothing. Penat sampai muntah… memang best. So you return to your phone and ended up writing instead? 

Aku pengecut. Malam ni, particularly, aku rasa aku dah tak berminat nak buat kerja kerja engineering kat ofis tu. Thinking about them pon rasa meluat. Aku taknak pergi ofis. Keseronokan 2 hari lepas dah habis. Sekarang aku rasa nak hilang dari dunia. Sebab aku taknak menyusahkan sesiapa by being biawak hidup kalau tiba tiba aku buat kerja gila quitting. This mood swing is so insane. Makin lama aku hidup, makin manusia manusia meluat pada aku yang tak reti bersyukur dengan nikmat yang Allah bagi pada aku. 

Mungkin ‘bahagia’ kan kalau aku dapat lari dari dunia aku yang sekarang. Bukan bahagia, tapi tiada rasa bersalah. Lari pergi duduk dalam gua niah or lari pergi bulan…. eh kenapa aku beli kereta baru? Rasa macam stupid pulak…… dah beli kereta baru macam mana nak berhenti kerja?? Aku pengecut sebab aku asyik fikir yang solusi bagi masalah aku hanya mati. Kejadahnya dengan otak aku? 

Aku tak faham kenapa aku malam ni betul betul rasa taknak kerja dah. Dalam otak aku tengah bayangkan betapa tediousnya nak pergi jumpa wak pasal job jacking tu. Nak drive dari rumah ke ofis, lepas tu dari ofis ke airport, then parking jauh dari hangar, jalan kaki dari kereta ke hangar tengok apa masalah, lepas tu balik ofis kena fikir/study pulak macam mana nak settlekan masalah tu, lepas tu kena buat report or EO, lepas tu kena bagi checker, lepas tu kena dptkan authorization bla bla bla. Tetiba aku malas. Ye aku MALAS berfikir. Aku malas nak berpenat jalan panas panas or hujan. AKU dah tak larat nak buat. Pelik betul dengan diri sendiri sebab baru sehari lepas aku cakap aku “suka kerja ni”. 

Sebelum ni memang aku suka kerja aku. Mungkin aku dah penat nak fikir benda-benda technical. Otak aku dah rosak kot?? 

Tuhan, tolong aku please. Aku tak larat nak hidup macam ni. Aku pon tak tahu apa yang aku nak Engkau tolong, tapi aku tahu Engkau tahu pertolongan apa yang aku perlu.  

Aku yang pengecut…. 

Bila…

Bila penat itu datang. Satu kepenatan yang sangat penat. I am always the muscle of the family…. jadi bila saya kata saya penat, maka saya sesungguhnya over penat. Without knowing the reason. I just feel Didn’t even make it to the office today….. maka punahla janji janji manis kepada dato’ dan Kingz P. I don’t think I’m gonna go tomorrow as well. Feeling really sorry for Kingz P but I want to be selfish for a day. 

EXHAUSTED. Wanna go somewhere alone amd sleep for the whole day without people judging. 

Day 2

New jobs coming in at slow pace. Me and centre wings has become so synonymous that every RFQ with the word centre wing in it will find it way onto my desk. I’m taking it slow and easy though, delaying hangar visit for as long as I can. The walk will be too tiring… 😖, and I shall expect many pit stops enroute, with people going “anne lama tak nampak” and the subsequent chit chat which I’m not ready to do. 

My brain is still tired.

My body is still tired.

I wish I can take my brain out and put it aside for a while. 

AiA

Concludes day one in office. My brain is kindda fuzzy and drained now. Probably from the extended lack of utilization. Even had a brief moment of vertigo to top it all. Mostly just spring cleaning my documentations, catching up on latest gossip, and soft kick off on my first assigment. 

Few years back, with my previous boss…. coming back from extended secondment, off base assignements or sick leave; I would find on my desk the dreaded asignment folder with a stick it note on top…. “Welcome back. Your first assignment”. I would went…. “damnnn it is only my first day”. He is crazy that one. 

All in All, it is ok. Wouldn’t push myself too much in this fragile state. I’ll do what I can do. 

——————-

My comrade is suicidal again. I do not know what to say to him except “delay” and sometimes talks about suicide itself. I’m not sure if it helps or not. As for me, when I’m suicidal, people telling me to stay strong doesn’t help so I assume the same for him. At times I wonder whether our open conversation on ‘best ways to die, what’s gruesome what’s not, how to OD, which poison kills faster,  which is the least painful death’ are healthy conversation. Those things are so taboo, I’m pretty sure if anyone know about what we talked about, we’ll be marked as not beriman. But hey…. at least both of us are still alive ?? Those conversations keeps our mind busy thinking instead of commanding our limb to actually do the job. 

Till the next post TMM. 

First Day

First day at office. Not bad at all. Had a good breakfast: my favourite nasi lemak kantin + telur goreng + teh o ais (RM 3.20) . Kakak kantin must have missed me. After breakfast, came the dreaded call “anne, Dato’ cari”. 

Phew, nasib baik datang ofis. Looks like he remembers my janji. Had a good conversation with him though. Made me wonder why the HR is making a big deal out of it when in fact the CEO repeatedly told me that he can work with my plan. And he can understands that I might need time off like anybody else. The point is, we can work together as long as the company needs me and I need the company.

All is well. 

Normal

Urghhh what a traffic back from Kedah… Need to stretch my legs before they turn into stone.

I was summoned by the CEO last week and he made me kindda promised to come back to work tomorrow, which I already planned on. BUT, I really have a few more issues to settle before completely settling in. Otherwise, I’ll waste my AL or pay. 

Bipolar wise? I think I am OK, big OK now. Yup “jumpier” than other people but otherwise not feeling suicidal or the urge to cut. With good team members surrounding and supporting me (erm only in engineering team I mean), I can do this. The perks of being adorable. As well as the perks of being in the middle of the hierarchy; you are close to everyone….AND get a say in job assignment. 

Meds? Hell lots of Epilim. Hell lots of weight. Good thing is, FOC. Can you believe it? 

Kindda miss Dr W really. Through thick and thin for the past what? 10 years?? Well I can always go talk to him when things are rough right? Truth be told, changing doctor has always been a nightmare for me. Took about a year to get comfortable with Dr R…. but never the same. Then suddenly need to change to Dr A, a totally different approach. I am a very reserved person so I hate reiterating my medical history. And now, a new doctor again. I really wish doctors can read mind. Dr A sometimes gave me that impression. 

Transition is difficult but I hope slowly it will work out as it always does. I’ve survived this long have I? Dr W good advice is: to give some time and open up because any new doctor is at disadvantages of not knowing my full history. So I need to be the one telling the story. 

“Suddenly it comes to mind that he always told me to sabaR, be fair to him and give him the time and chance to help me whenever my care was transferred to him from docs in KL during major breakdown. ” 

One thing I like about Dr W is his concern of my financial status; and his honesty of his limitation and opinion on which psychiatrists are good for me. When he find out that my company is no longer paying for my meds, I often are gifted with free samples. Even Dr A once gave me free meds that he confiscated earlier from his other patient for abusing them 🤣. Many many times Dr W advise me to undergo CBT but told me that he is not good at it and the best person to do it is Dr A and Prof M. I think those two doctors are his idols of some sort. The point of this whole para about Dr W is to show that depth of trust I have for him, and whenever he approves of the doctors I’m seeing, I trust the doctors too.

It is not about the competency of individual doctors that I am seeing really,   I am not the judge. I think for psychiatric patient, doctor-patient trust is the most important thing… and once you find the right doctor, things get easier.

I still don’t like that cardiologist!! 

Well, as for now, things are going in the right direction for me, though bumpy. It was not at all easy at the beginning. How I was really frustrated that I can’t seems to understand what my doctor expected of me from his questions. How I was upset that he kept asking question that I thought are not going to change anything, irrelevant. How frustrated I felt when our psychotherapies sessions always reach dead ends and left me feeling worse every time. How I felt dreadful that we are not going to work out, because I really hoped we would. So yes people…. it is easier to change your orthophedics than a psychiatrist. But things are way way better now. I’m laughing and smilling again. The Dr is extra nice and funny; but being me…it will take  some time before I open up fully. Maybe the dreadfullness that I felt before was because of my depression, and when the depression started leaving me, things just correct itselfs. The doctor must be have been exasperated and put in hair-pull mode over my antics. So now, 4 doctors are available for me to visit when my bipolar starts acting up. Not bad. 

Sleep? Still a struggle sometimes. But way better. Still need clona every night unfortunately. And when I have early morning things to attend to, I’ll take extra clona so I can sleep earlier and wake earlier. 

Meniere? Nothing can be done about it really. But Prof A again proves that she is really kind. I was amazed when she personally rang me… a Prof rang a patient?? I always wonder why she cares when in fact my other illness is not her problem to think of. The hugs, the book, the motherly advise each and every time. Maybe I always looked pathethic in her eyes. Who knows. 

—————

Mak ai panjang gila

—————

Medication

  • Epilim : 600 + 600
  • Efexor : 75 + 150
  • Seroquel: 30
  • Clonazepam : 0.5 (or sesuka hati) 

 Kena dua tuppwrware dah ni. 

HP

Missing Harry Potter world…. dush dush. Need to read fan fiction. Such an addict. 

Love Note

Dear Bipolar,

Do you ever realized how much I hate you?? I hate you so damn damn damn damn damn damn damn much. 

I hate you. 

I hate you.

I hate you.

Why won’t you go away?

Don’t interfere with my brain and emotions. 

I’m just 32, I have a long way to go. 

You are ruining my career.