Psychiatrist

I was having a conversation with a friend… and surprisingly I found out that I can be my own psychiatrist. Pfftt. 

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A comrade has choosen vacation. Good for him. I can only wish him luck and asked him to wish me luck in return. Upon him doing just that I can understand how wishing won’t work. Pffttttt. 

Crazy Hours

Crazy four hours. Swinging like Swinging Bowl. Between feeling 80% better, awesome….. to feeling like crap believing the company would send me termination letter. Damn the headache. 

Ways to Switch Off

For future reading…. when my mind is a bit more clearer. Facebook can be useful sometimes. But for now I’m simply in the state of “cakap gajah rimau pon tak jadi apa”. 

• Find space, your way

“Find a non-medical way to force yourself to stop every six to eight weeks,” says the neurophysiologist Dr Nerina Ramlakhan. “I call it having a tune-up – it can be anything from acupuncture to reflexology to a massage, as long as it forces you to focus on you”

• Have a download ritual

“Whether it’s writing in a journal each day or lighting a few candles and meditating, find a way to ‘download’ your thoughts. It needn’t take long but it can have a huge impact on the way you sleep – and sleep is essential to adrenal health,” says Dr Ramlakhan

• Take a break every 90 minutes

“We sleep in 90-minute cycles and now it’s becoming clear that our energy rhythms also run in 90-minute cycles,” says the nutritionist Watts. “Instead of grabbing another coffee or snack, take a short walk or simply take 10 long, slow breaths – in for a count of four and out for a count of four – ideally away from your desk”

• Get some perspective

“People with adrenal fatigue need to find a space where they can talk through their worries,” explains Dr Ramlakhan. “This could be a counsellor but it could also simply be a friend”

Aching Head

Pffftt headache. Made worse by reading a particular news article shared by a colleague. What a joke… seriously what a JOKE.

It made me almost 100% want to take the 4 + 4 + 4 leave. To hell with the company hey? I have to realize that perhaps they don’t deserve me? 

Really I should stop allowing office problem to affect me so much. Need to stop working too hard since I am not appreciated as such. I should really learn that skill from my colleagues. Act stupid Anne. 

Remember;

I work for money appreciation. If you want loyalty, hire a dog! 

Stigma

Talking about stigma… 

When I was chilling in the psychiatric ward’s lounge last week, a teenager came to get a staff’s signature (kindda guarantor I’m sure) for his LAME course application. Intrigued, I asked where is he planning to study.

And I still remember the look on his face upon realizing I (a psychiatric patient) was talking to him. A mixture of shocked, nervous and unsure of what to say. Yup, what would a crazy person like me know about licensed aircraft maintenance engineer courses? Quite sadistic really. 

It doesn’t match really…. being bipolar and a good engineer at the same time. A really good one that the only reason they haven’t fire me is because there are things/jobs that only I can do. They know it and I know it. 

Though that secured my job thus far, that knowledge also put extra pressure on me. I kindda have to time my episodes in between those only-I-know-how-to projects. Only God knows how stressful it is to be there no matter what your condition are. How stressful it is to know that nobody would be there to relief you from the task. To be there and made decision no matter how many days you haven’t sleep. How you are scared that your tired mind will somehow made mistakes however small, that you to literally tell the juniors that I need to “borrow their mind to watch out for my mistakes”. To be told “even if you are hospitalized, we’ll hook up a camera here and you can monitor from your hospital bed”. 

Damn, I’ve gone too far from the tittle. Till the next post guys. 

Posting Posts

During my uni years, I used to wrote endlessly,to the extent that whenever I kept quiet for a few days, “mangkuk hayun” would teasingly asked “is anne dead?”. Those were the days; when writing on TMM was so therapeutic. 

At this very moment I am truly lost. Hadi told me the vey same thing that I always told him “I’m all ears if you want to rant”, yet I do not know what am I supposed to rant about. I don’t even know what is bothering me so much. Probably I need Voldemort, Snape or Dumbledore to help me read my own mind. 

Can I just quit my job? Or better still, quit my life? Allahu, life is so difficult….

To sum it up: ntah laaaaa aku tatau

LIMA? 

Talking about NUP4 is like rubbing salt onto old wound. I hate it, full stop. May the project fail big time and they die a painful death. I’m outta here.

Who wants to live? 

This is the crappiest feeling I have ever felt in a long time, I just wish I don’t have to wake up from my sleep… EVER. What the heck is going on?? 

Damn

Few hours with phones…. those few annoying people from office started ruining my mood. I hate them so much to the extent of hating myself. Does that even make sense? I really hate it, I don’t want to face it yet I’m feeling sorry for the few that are left in the office at this terrible moment. And damn I’m having headache. I’m just so angry and I hate being angry. Can I just die? The conclusion sucks. Sucks to think that dying will be the simplest solution to every problem. I think I’m back to crazy. Didn’t I mentioned earlier that I’m better? Go to sleep Anne, sleep… but heyyyy how am I supposed to fall asleep with this throbbing headache? 

Allah please forgive my insanity. Help me with the pain. 

Confused?

Done 3 ECTs. I think it does help a little. I can laugh these days…… or maybe being away from office helps too. But, there’s a but. After the second sessions, I got upset over few things. I asked them for some xanax or rivotril….. but was denied. So naturally what did I do for relief? Guess?? Hurt myself of course. Just some minor scratches on the arm…. nothing sharp in the ward unfortunately. Why can’t they understand that when I said I need those meds, I really need them? Why can’t they believe me? Why do people have to generalize depressed people of abusing those drugs? I have been prescribed the meds for years. In my possession I have lots of rivotril, xanax, why? Because I rarely took them unless I can’t take the pain anymore. Pffttt. Whatever crap am I saying??? 

Till the next post.