It has been 5 days since I post an entry here….. yet it feels like 5 years (OK exaggerating). Done 5 ECTs if I remembered correctly. Truth be told, I’m getting worried about my OSA, because every freaking time, the anaesth in charge would worry about it. And with every session, I can see that their worry is mounting….. apparently my oxygen level at each session are problematic. Even today, I was greeted by anaesth doctor when I woke up. OK stop thinking about it will ya Anne??
Just gulped another 2.5 X 0.5mg alprazolam for my heavy chest and crazy palpitation. That makes it total of 4.5 X 0.5mg alprazolam in less than 30 minutes. Who cares. I’m not addicted mind you, haven’t took any for the past week.
It is nearly 3 am and I’m not sleepy at all. Such a wonder woman am I? Taken 20mg of Zolpidem but to no avail.
Dr W did said that my other medications : Venlafaxine (75mg), Seroquel XR (600mg) do not have “the required” drowsiness effect for an insomniac like me. Thus comes the Zolpidem and Alprazolam to the rescue <and at times rivotril>
To be honest, my trouble sleeping isn’t a daily occurrence. In fact, within the past 2 weeks, I haven’t had any Alprazolam. Stilnox though, I’ve taken 3 times this week…. not too bad hey? Thus my Zolpidem and Alprazolam stock will last a lot longer than Venlafaxine, Seroquel XR, and Propranolol.
So…. don’t say, NEVER say I’m addicted to xanax, stilnox, rivotril and so and so. Because honest be told, I took them only when I have no other solution for my chest pain and insomnia and painful palpitation. I really hate it when people suggests that I might get addicted to those medications…. because I’ve been prescribed those for nearly 10 years and if I am addicted, it wouldn’t be now hey?? In fact i never finish xanax, stilnox, rivotril stocks until the next prescription. SO STOP ASSUMING!!!
OK that’s it for now. Better cup noodle than drug addiction…
A few of my favourite from the great Dots-to-Dots journey….
Ever since my first lengthy admission to HUKM, I’ve started a new hobby….. doing the Dots – To – Dots puzzle series. Really, by doing so, I’m actually making sure my brain keeps working. It also cures my boredom, diverts my mind from the nonsense that I don’t want to think of, as well as making my extra long hospital stay more bearable.
OK, till the next post.
Finally I gave in…. gave in to ECT. Though today I really do not feel like doing ECT, I just shut my mind and said “YES” to Dr K. There’s really no point in resisting and delaying the inevitable…. I do not have much time to waste anymore. I’m desperate to be functional again. Lucky the Prof. decided that I can continue with the previous dosage instead of starting all over again…. it was high as it is and if I were to start all over, it’s gonna be a long long journey. So… Monday with 640.
I’m getting sick of being sick. I’m getting sick of spending so much money for my medical needs. I feel like stopping all medications, all appointments, all treatment. I hate them so much. I’m broke, and God knows how much I hate to depend on my parents for expenses. I hate it so much. People might say that I’m lucky to have well-off parents…. yet do you know how much I hate it? To depends on people at the age of 32? I’m already ignoring the CPAP machine. I just don’t feel like it anymore.
Wahai Tuhan pemilik nyawaku, lindungi aku dari putus asa…..
Wahai Tuhan pemilik nyawaku, lindungi aku dari putus asa…..
I’ve been writing a lot. A LOT. On papers…. I have dried out 3 pens… how’s that?? I’ve always found calmness in writing; yet somehow writing doesn’t work its magic this week. Yup… that’s about it.
I need to make a decision, HUKM or HSB. And it is hard.
There’re only 3 things in my prayers these days:
1. Asking for His forgiveness
2. Asking for strength
3. Asking for Him to show me the way…
Nothing else. Nothing came to my mind.
But maybe I forget…. I forget to thank Him instead of only asking.
Wow… I’m impressed with the entries dated back to Ramadan. I wasn’t this hopeless and I still got Allah in mind.
Yup… that’s about it. A reminder to YOU Anne. Headache alert….
I’m no longer myself. I no longer watch my language. I’m no longer polite. I want to die so bad. Yes I know it is sinful. I so fucking know…. yet this mind of mine is getting harder to control. Stupid me hey???
The ungrateful girl; who had the best of education, working professional job and excel at it, having such a supporting family, both morally and financially. It is normal for people to wonder…. “what else does she wants?”, “why can’t she be grateful?”, “Allah uji sekelumit je berbanding orang lain, can’t she see that?”, “she doesn’t have the right to be stressed out”.
People couldn’t help but wonder why? Why? Why? The never-ending whys. For God’s sake, I do not have an inkling. If I know or knew, I wouldn’t go begging for help. If I know, I would have helped/healed myself; I wouldn’t tarnish my reputation by declaring myself to them. Imagine, answering to the CEO that you can’t yet because of this stupid condition.
I do not know why am I so agitated now. Anger flares up for the simplest reason. At times I feel betrayed, at times I feel mocked. Most of the times I feel stupid….
I know one day people would be sick of me and my never ending moodiness, but trust me…. I have been sick of myself before anyone else does.
I’m so upset. I feel like running amok, yet that’s not my way.
I was back in office on Monday, and out of office again on Tuesday. And I’m really upset now.
I guess the doctor is right… The problem with me is, I’m not ready to accept that I’m not ready for work. I’m still am very not stable. I’m walking on rocky path. I’m still working on getting the right combination of medications. There will be many ups and downs until that. Today is absolutely down. Bye
TMM… help me. I am not sure what decision should I make. What do I do? I have so much doubt inside. It is so scary and confusing at the same time. Should I just dive or should I wait longer. I do not want to make stupid decision….
I’m rather irritated with the way HSB psych clinic (or the doctor to be exact) deal with my request for appointment. It has been three full days, yet the doctor hasn’t give feedback to the nurse (pity the nurse) of his schedule. Three days…. I’m just asking for an appointment date, not to meet him there and then. I do know not what is the problem. Maybe he is hesitant to treat me…. but well, if that’s the case, just tell the nurse to set an appointment for me with other psychiatrists. Or any MO even….
Life is hell
Living is hell
Going back to work is hell
I’m so not stable at the moment. One day I’ll be this happy girl and the next I hid in my room not wanting to meet people. Suicidal thought come often. I can’t see a better way out of my problem other than dying.
I have at least 2 stupid illnesses that people looked down upon:
1. Bipolar D
2. Super severe OSA.
With the stigma surrounding those two, my so many health insurance would’t pay for my treatment. Thus… causing me financial problem. Believe me, they are expensive. My CPAP machine for OSA cost about RM 8K, my 45 days hospital stay cost about RM 6K, and my medications cost me around RM 700 per month. Tough huh?
Everything is stressing me out…. the sickness itself, the stigma, and the financial part. I cannot see the way out of this. That is my justification to wanting to die. Yes…. I am suicidal again. I have lots of betaserc and epilim to overdose….. sigh.
I’m physically tired….. exhausted, I want to sleep for a whole week. Probably it is the OSA…. I don’t know.