Berleter Dileteri

Berleter dan dileteri

Membebel dan dibebeli

Both have the same meanings.

Pihak yang berleter sakit tekak, pihak yang dileteri sakit telinga. Lose-Lose situation logically yeah?

My luck has run out on Sunday apparently. Kantoi big time. Last month I managed to hide things, by accurately twisting my arm at the right angle and I was proud of myself. But last Sunday, things were not as smooth. KANTOI BIG TIME. Then was lectured for almost 1 freaking hour for that. Have to be extra careful in the future anne!

Back to journaling; currently on Epilim 200 + 400, Cymbalta 60, Quetiapine 200, and Xanax OR cutting as I wish. 


A post

I want to write yet I am not sure what to write. I have something in mind yet I am not sure whether I really want to write about it. 

Consider this piece as a post. 


Seeing drops makes me happy. 100% working it seems, I am amazed. 

Was It Raya? 

What happened on raya this year? Nothing. Absolutely felt nothing extraordinary about raya. In fact, facebook swarming with raya wishes and those “happy family” raya potraits really is irksome. And all those stupid hashtags, teamrayaxxx specifically… were really annoying, they managed to drove me away from facebook timelines. 

So, no raya wishes this year…


Things are getting worse at office thus I am getting worse. At times I do feel dying is much simpler. 


This is my midnight anger. Over those who only think of themselves. Damn I’m angry. Your responsibility is your responsibility. Damn it, just damn it. 

Post Title

There are so many things running through my mind at the moment. I hardly know how to write those things down. I hardly know how to say those either. It is confusing, and complicated. 

People say, don’t think too much about it. But I can’t help to think about it and hate it. The ‘it’ is having bipolar (and to some extent this annoying meniere’s SICKness). Thus my most imminent struggle is acceptance again. Because the more I despise it, the more stressful it becomes and that does not help at all. 

Office is way too chaos at the moment. This is the most chaotic office politics I have seen in my 7 years of serving NADI. It is too stressful at the moment. I started to break up. Though I know, my anger and frustration have bases, I know I magnified it to 1000 times worse than what they should be. 

I can’t help it. The stress just breaks me up. And I hate to be the weak one. Or shouldn’t I feel weak? Am I the strong one? People says I’m good at my work… Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling of frustration…. Of being the fragile engineer, of being the weak one who can’t deal with stress as good as others. 

I constantly want to excel. I constantly want my reputation to be good. But how can I do that? How can I keep my reputation when I’m sick? When I’m taking sick breaks? So I continue going to work yet I further destroy myself by doing so. Isn’t that confusing?? Now do you know why I am confused like hell?? 

Anger, it hurts me more than it hurts those at the receiving end. But I can’t help it. Can I? 


Hurm calming down a bit. OK. I’ll take my meds religiously… Every meds in the medication bag. I hope Allah sees this as an ibadah perhaps? My struggle to be healthy and functional. 

I guess, till the next post. Good luck anne. 


Can I write for a living? I forgot how therapeutic it can be until I write this lengthy post. 

Hello Anne

Hola TMM, to my future self to be exact.

I can’t remember much of Spanish, probably just uno, dos, tres, quatro and the rest of the numbers. Sorry if the spelling are wrong, to do me some justice, I learnt those few important words of Spanish through my ear. Nobody seems to understand English in Ecuador except for our guide, Diego and his daughter, our translator, Rosa and the owner of the only seafood restaurant in Latacunga. Well he knew a little English.

I had the intention of writing quite a few times, but my Lil Handsome had deleted WordPress Apps from my phone – thus the lack of recent post on TMM.

So how’s things??

Training in Singapore – I love being in class again. I love learning things that I should have known years earlier. Combine that with the Australian accent of our Brisbane instructor, I strongly felt like going back to uni to further my studies. But yeah, just felt not feel, if you get what I mean.

Back to office, nothing much changes. Still overloaded with anger. Just knowing I’ll be returning the next day stresses me out. Besides my mood, I’m starting to get sick again. By sick I mean, this seasick, carsick, airsick feelings….. Hurm not in the mood to talk about that. But that should be sufficient for record keeping.

Lets see what happen next ya?? Till the next post.



Welcoming new drugs to my drug inventory. Things are not too good at office. Things are not too good inside of me too. I am just so angry, to the extent of wishing/praying people for a painful death. The anger is destroying me from the inside. I am again at the edge of falling into a full relapse. Isn’t that nice?

So now I proudly welcome these new meds : lamictal and brintellix. May the force be with me.

These few weeks, I seems to find fault in every little and big things of life. I would go the extreme of extreme of hating people. I pray for their death, I ignore them and I loath them. I really do loath them in every sense. I talk bad about them without a hint of regret. But of all things, the worst damaged done is to my own self. Damn whatever. Until the next post. We’ll see how things shall develop in the next few weeks.

Dear Doctor….

This morning I came accross a really irksome status posted by an irksome doctor (though I do not know her).

She posted on her facebook status, about a patient that came to her during her oncall night at the emergency deparment. She was complaining about a patient that came to the ED for suicide attempt …. Swallowing a whole bunch of paracetamol due to love life problem. What irks me so much is the fact that she was saying to her whole reader that she considered the patient an “attention seeker”, and thus in other word a waste of her energy to treat.

That, coming from a medical professional is not at all acceptable. As far as I know, psychiatry is part of medicine….. She as a doctor must have studied it in uni, unless she cheated to obtain her medical degree. And as far as I know, suicide threat is a medical emergency. She, as a doctor in emergency department should know this. Once you signed up to become a doctor, you should accept medicine as a whole. Once you signed up to become a doctor in emergency department, you should accept all emergency cases even if it is related to “psycho” people.

It irks me that nowadays, the young doctors keep posting on social media about how some of their patients are a burden to them. I can agree if she complain about people coming in for mc, or drunk related incident or simple headache. For this case, I took it personally that she isn’t being fair to “psycho” patient. To her, I’ll just say…. shut up and just do your job of tending to emergency cases.