Being smart?

Being bipolar…… it is not easy to understand and get the gist of it.

Pole 1 at one end, and

Pole 2 at the other end

People has chose to choose between the two Poles.
Dengan Ijtihad Masing Masing, jangan terus menghukum semahunya. Kerana mereka juga ada ijtihad mereka

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Bipolar Blessing

Some might portray their most cheerful front to others, but living with chronic illness is hard really.

Never forget to count your blessing though Anne!!

Family, a very loving, supportive family whom love for me knows no boundaries. Parents, pampering their youngest, giving in to my ridiculous childish requests to make me happy. Siblings, who’s always there for me, brought me presents; books, foods, and smuggling some cash; not to forget bringing in gossips, jokes and laughters. The kids… which I adores and I’m pretty sure they adore me, make the fight worthwhile.

Loyal and caring mates. From uni, school, usrah. Those with their constant thoughts, wishes and prayers. Mates whom treat me the same no matter what.

A unique set of colleagues, whose clowning around almost always makes me laugh. Engineering family …. we really are family.

Great Doctors, regardless of their specialties, who went many extra miles to help make my life bearable, easy, meaningful and worth fighting for. During difficult times, expect advises, motivations, as well as SCOLDING. Serves me right. But hey, they are now personal friends.

So till the next post…

The bipolar blessing

He’s gone

I’m deeply saddened by his departure early morning. I’ve grown to care so much for him…. as a little brother, as a friend. We have became very close these few months… since we both came back to work after our prolonged illness leave… a year of sickness. We talked about many things. Everyday to be honest. About being strong, about being positive, about fighting, about jemaah, about gadjet, about games, about family support, about work, about stupid medications, about hospital uniform, about being poked, about frequent hospital visits, about MCs, about uni…. many many things. I somehow felt connected to him. We shared many stories about our illnesses, about our frustration of not being able to perform at work as well as we did before, about how we are fighting for the sake of our beloved families. Some are private facts that we never shared with the other engineers. I trusted him to show him my BD medical report, he trusted me that he shared his health condition constantly with me. I become really worried when he stop responding to my messages. And apparently my worries are true. Was told he was critical in ICU. Then this morning, we were informed of his passing. I feel so upset… I rarely cried, but I cried during his funeral. I feel left out…. how could he leave me alone to fight? How could he leave me when he made me buy that nintendo switch? How could he leave when we have many plans of things to do at office when he’s discharged? How could he leave when he said his infections were clearing up?

Why am I feeling like this? No more person that I can whine about being sick in this company. No more colleague that understand how difficult it is to be sick yet loving your job so much. No more colleague to talk about counting and sorting our tonnes of medication, no more colleague to count our MCs, no more colleague to bergilir gilir pergi hospital appointments. I feel alone in this office. He reminded me to be strong and focus on health before work, and I reminded him to be strong and put health before work.

Thanks for the friendship Ilyas. I really thought you’ll survive, but apparently He loves you more. You were so young, but from our conversation I know you have prepared for death to come. Hope His blessing will always be with you.

Dear Allah, please make me as good servant as him or better…. please make me prepare for death as much as him or better. Bring me closer to you Allah. I want to be ready for death and welcome death as something thats inevitable.

Bye Ilyas, I’ll surely miss our conversation. I hope your wife won’t take this wrongly. I only love you as a friend and a younger brother.

Emotion

Hey TMM,

Me again. I’m still tired.

I’m so tired, I wish I’m sick with real bad physical illness. I wish for that because I don’t want to feel guilty, feel selfish for being tired. If you know what I mean. Nobody would ever understand right? I wish for that because I wouldn’t need to explain or justify why I’m extremely tired. Nobody would badmouth me. Nobody would say I’m weak. Nobody would say I’m lazy. WEAK ANNE!!! STupid.

Maybe I’m depressed again. Why am I so weak? Why am I so tired? I don’t deserve feeling tired.

Till the next post.

Fatigue

Howdy,

The word ‘fatigue’ is commonly used by structure engineer. If the strongest metal could experience fatigue, then who am I to be spared from it.

I’m so tired TMM. Fatigued from something that I myself am unsure of. This weekend, I spent most of the day sleeping. I brought the red laptop home, yet I have no energy to do any work on it. I do not have the energy to play games on my nintendo switch. Sudoku is the only thing I do aside from sleeping, eating, bathroom and the usual stuff for an Anne.

I’m so tired TMM. Don’t even have the energy to read much.

I’m so tired that I’m pretty sure I would not be able to manage F28 and 1309 jobs. I’m not even sure if I have the energy to go to office tomorrow. Probably I should put myself before all other things, even work right? I hate this so much…. to be such a loser, so weak, so whatever.Just let all hell break loose right?

Till the next post.

About Caring

Hey TMM,

It’s been a while hey? How am I? I’m not too sure. Friday was vertigo day, the whole day. Thanks meniere’s!!! Managed to drive home though, with plastic bag in hand; for throwing up obviously. The earth was spinning, I consistently felt like vomiting (and I did) and I had a strong desire to just drink the ‘minyak cap kapak’. Well, enough about that.

Sometimes I wonder…. why do I care so much about people. I constantly remind myself to focus on my obligation instead of my right. And one of the obligation as a muslim is to care about fellow muslims. I tried… and I think I cared enough about the people around me. But do people care about me? I frequently tried hard… really really hard to NOT care, but I always failed. I don’t understand what is wrong with me… why can’t I NOT care? When I’m ill (often of course)…. I would become angry, annoyed, emotional bla bla bla. Yet I couldn’t stop myself….

What am I talking about?

Been feeling extremely tired lately. Probably due to me not using the CPAP… I can’t be sure. I slept as early as 5/6pm and woke up around 8/9pm for dinner, sudoku and meds. Then I would go to bed again till 9/10am… hows that?

Allah… please help me? Help me in getting better. I know in people’s eyes I’m weak, so weak that I made such a big deal of simple/stupid uncomfortable state (both physically and mentally)…. especially in dealing with physical ailment. But God… those ailment won’t go away. It badly affects me… and I became frustrated because I do not know how to help myself. Help me to deal with it by myself, not going berserk at other people. Help me to not burden people with my tale, frustration, moodiness, anger. Please…

Till the next post TMM

Why can’t…

…. I stop hoping? Please Anne, it will never happen. Who do you think you are? You are NO ONE. Those are not real…. You are NO ONE, remember!!!

Why am I keeping up hope for something that is just an illusion. You are NO ONE, NOBODY.

It is so painful to see all hopes come crushing down. Painful and heavy to the heart.

Allah please….. I can’t handle this. Protect my heart from the pain. Prevent my heart from wanting the unattainable. Keep those far.. far away from my mind and heart, so I would stop hoping. God.. I beg You.

The pain….

The pain of depression is almost impossible to describe. It is in the chest…. the uneasiness that won’t go away. Even you yourself can’t chase it away. It is so unbearable, and you so much want to be alone. Locking yourself in the room, getting in the car without any destination in mind…. just to be alone, just so that your loved ones wouldn’t have to endure your depression. Every breath is difficult and shallow; and how deep of a breath you take, it still feels inadequate.

I do not know how to deal with this. It has come back….depression has come back.

Again

Hi TMM…

When I return, it means I’m stressed out. To be honest, today has been really bad. I was already frustrated and angry at myself due to my poor work performance, and today I’m damn angry at Dr Wg and his specialist (who only saw me once ever since I came under his care). Suck.

I’m bloody angry because the Dr refuse to write a new “fit to work” letter for me. I asked for a simple letter probably more than a month ago…. I had to pay 80 bloody ringgit for them to come out with the letter (because of some stupid privacy of my medical record.. I totally understood, so I paid. Today I collected my supposed to be letter and guess what? He bloody gave me a medical report, a very detail report of my illness. For God’s sake, are they mad?? The report is too revealing that if I give it to my HR, I’ll surely never get a promotion, a worse still, SACKED. I told the Dr again today that the report is too revealing and I can’t use it…. and he answered he has discussed it with the specialist (Prof H…. who only ever saw me once). Owh and he also defended the report saying the employer has the right to know. Just WTF??? One thing for sure…. I’ll make sure that report will never ever reach my HR, my boss, my ceo or the board of director. I am feeling so angry. So stressed out. This sort of feeling hasn’t visited me for quite some time. To the extend that in my mind, the image of me slashing my body parts keeps flashing. I need to feel physical pain to release this. I’ve locked myself in my room since I came home in the afternoon. Not in the mood to talk or entertain anyone. And guess what??? I really want to try smoking. I heard that smoking can calm you down. How about that huh? I’ll update in the next post. I’ve made my mind not to go to Johor for the wedding. I just want to be alone. Till the next post

Do you knoW?

TMM,

Do you know what I feel? ANGER.

I’m so angry. I’m angry at my stupid illness. I am not bloody sure if it is an illness or not. Prof A has never confirm or deny it. For God’s sake…..

At this very moment, I’m even angry at her. Because I think she keep seeing me because of my BD, not this stupid meniere or whatever. My BD is in control. I don’t fake this stupid dizziness, this stupid blocked ear, this stupid hearing problem, this stupid nausea… and the newest one , this stupid chills. I texted her asking for other drugs than betaserc… and she said there’s none, just wudhu’ and kursi. Just what the hell…. that sort of advice, you only give to those people that’s having problem that are NOT REAL!! The problem that is caused by their mind… just a trick of my own mind. And I’m pretty sure mine is not just in my mind.

So yes I’m angry. I don’t believe there’s no other medication available. And I’m angry at you too God…. for this stupid illness. For the uncertainties. Please… I’m begging You….. please let me out of this. I’m tired of doubting myself. I’m tired…. I can no longer do this.