Do you knoW?

TMM,

Do you know what I feel? ANGER.

I’m so angry. I’m angry at my stupid illness. I am not bloody sure if it is an illness or not. Prof A has never confirm or deny it. For God’s sake…..

At this very moment, I’m even angry at her. Because I think she keep seeing me because of my BD, not this stupid meniere or whatever. My BD is in control. I don’t fake this stupid dizziness, this stupid blocked ear, this stupid hearing problem, this stupid nausea… and the newest one , this stupid chills. I texted her asking for other drugs than betaserc… and she said there’s none, just wudhu’ and kursi. Just what the hell…. that sort of advice, you only give to those people that’s having problem that are NOT REAL!! The problem that is caused by their mind… just a trick of my own mind. And I’m pretty sure mine is not just in my mind.

So yes I’m angry. I don’t believe there’s no other medication available. And I’m angry at you too God…. for this stupid illness. For the uncertainties. Please… I’m begging You….. please let me out of this. I’m tired of doubting myself. I’m tired…. I can no longer do this.

Advertisements

Time

Time moves so fast this week. Tomorrow is Friday. I’m tired this week. Headache and vertigo frequented me so much. In fact I looked like crap most mornings. Well I’m still surviving.

Should I look forward to Monday? HUKM day for me. Few things to do :

1. ECT

2. Fit to work letter

3. Psych meds refill

4. Meniere’s meds refill

5. Cik Mun’s meds refill

Went to Ajai’s last night. I rarely meet friends from school and uni. My time now are dedicated to family and work only. Mostly family… I rarely have time for myself now.

The crowd was not too big and Umar are so cute, A’s family are all cheery and fun to converse with. Alhamdulillah all went well. As always, Cik Mun became my partner. I wouldn’t have the strength alone….

Hurm, enough for today. Till the next post.

Anak Syurga Mereka

A friend of mine just lose their son yesterday. In fact both the parents are my friend, friends since uni. Their son Ali, was not yet 2 y.o. I have not met him personally, but I have always followed his progress from A’s facebook. He was such a cheery boy, always wears big grins on his face, though the breathing tube never left his face. I have always find him adorable, and wanted to know everything about him. I have no idea why.

I was sad to be honest. But A and M are so strong. I really respect their strength in facing the biggest test any parents could ever face. No parents should ever have to bury their children.

Last night, while putting on my cpap mask, I immediately thought of Ali. I do not want to elaborate more of the reason.

Well…. may Allah give patience and strength to A and M. And may Allah reunites them in jannah.

May Allah pardon my wrongdoings and bless me with jannah too.

January 2018

Howdy…

It’s Jan 5th today. My ECT is still every 2 weeks. Had it done on Wednesday. I’m getting bored of it to be honest, but no…. I’m not gonna take the risk by being stubborn. I might not able to go through another such episodes. I now have so many scars that I regret. I don’t want the scar to last. I’m thinking of the ways to make them go away the soonest.

Ms B starts to irritate me again…. I really do not have enough patience to entertain her. I think it is the right move…. at the moment, my health is my highest priority.

Medication wise, I’m taking all my meds religiously. Even the meds for my menieres, because dizziness has becomes very regular nowadays.

CPAP usage? I admit that this is the area that I really need to improve. I’m just too lazy to assemble it. Sigh….

Allah… guide me to the right path. You own my soul, You have the power to strengthen my imaan. I’m such a lousy muslim… I’m hoping that You’ll guide me to You. Pardon my wrongdoings, accept me nearer to You.

Bored At Office

It is just so boring at work. I’m confused whether I should be thankful or upset about not given any assignment since returning. I’m bored… When I do not have purpose to be in the office, I started feeling like being at home is the better action. I’m also afraid that this boredom might kill my sanity some days.

Talking about sanity, about my mental health. I forgot my medication during my 4 days ‘balik kampung’ trip; and it doesn’t end well. By the 3rd day, I started getting irritable, especially with the kids. I spent most of my time sleeping. I refused to drive the car and let my sister do the driving alone. Even until yesterday, my mood was really in bad shape. I was really angry at my mother and sister. I did not want to do anything, any chores, any driving, any trip etcetera. I just wanted to sleep, to lay on my bed looking at my phone. I was so angry when I was told to do something. I didn’t even hide my anger…. I didn’t smile as always, I didn’t show my mother and sister the respect that they deserve from me. That’s a great sin. So, I hope God would forgive my sins. I hope my mom and sister would forgive my lack of respect.

OK, back to my boredom. Tomorrow would be ECT day… I have lost count the number of ECTs that I have completed. Looking forward to the great feeling before I lose consciousness… OK, till the next post.

 

Menieres

Howdy TMM,

I am unfortunate to be gifted with meniere’s disease. I know He knows and plans best. Yet, as His weak servant, I couldn’t help but feel frustrated with this stupid illness.

Whenever it comes, my world will be spinning, my ears feels like it’s plugged and at times buzzing. The one thing that I really can’t stand is the nausea. I hate vomiting!! And behold…. I can expect lingering annoying dizziness for a day or two.

I hate being angry, but I feel angry at this stupid illness. Well for me it is stupid. I know I keep saying ‘stupid illnesses’. I have my reasoning, but I’ll save those for other time.

Why can’t I be free of it?? Why can’t I get a more common illness that doesn’t need explanation when mentioned? Why can’t I get a more common illness that nobody would look down upon? Pffttt. This anger would go once the dizziness goes away though.

Till the next post readers.

KL Again

I’m in KL again, after my ritual balik kampung travel. I’m gonna rest for two days, then on Thursday I’ll be off to Kelantan. Weekend driving trips has been my norm this year.

During the 5 days spent in Kedah, I managed to meet Dr W and Dr O. One to talk, and another to talk and get my medications. I’m really grateful for Dr O’s kindness to provide me all the super-duper-damned-expensive medication. As for Dr W, I’m still not sure why I went to meet him yesterday. I just felt like talking to someone I trust about my worries, of my disappointment and things like that. He suggested that I request for psychotherapy sessions from HUKM’s docs. I think I’m gonna do that.

Psych. medications apparently are very expensive. I’m lucky to personally know Dr O. Seroquel XR 300 that I’m on is around RM20 per tab, and I’m taking 2 tabs everyday. Pffttt….. crazy. I don’t want to say much about Dr O in this entry. I do not know what to say aside from the gratefulness.

So that’s it for this entry. I foresee another entry later today. I’m still itchy to write to be honest. So… till the next post???

Of Wanting

I want it so much…. so very very much. But I know it is out of my grasp. I’ve tried to get it, and I failed. It makes me upset, it disappoints me so very much.

I do not know why I want it so much even-though I knew from the very beginning that it is unattainable. Nobody except me knows of this desperation. Come on Anne… let it go.

Doomed

Such an achievement!!! In a span of a day, I fall…. I fell into the deep pit of depression. And it is so bad…. so bad that I want to quit my job now. NOW!!

This would lead to ….. what the heck is wrong with me?

And my english SUCKS!!!

From The Office

Gosh, what did I wrote earlier. The piece was so … weird (if this is the right word to describe my writing).

I had my weekly discussion with DS. He still can’t find the folder containing information on the proposal that he wants me to write. It is funny though when he asked whether my Malay is good. Of course it is for God’s sake. I might be trained in Australia, but I scored 1A in my SPM’s Bahasa. My English on the other hand is deteriorating fast. During my hospital stay, my English was way better than now. I suspected it’s because of the daily talking session of at least 30 mins with Dr S, purely in english. I spent 40 days in the ward mind you. Besides the endless conversation, I poured my heart out on the hundreds of pages of my journal. I have never wrote and talk so much in my life.

I’m starting to feel annoyed with my list of stupid illnesses to be honest. Please God, don’t let the depression come back. I’m not ready to face it again this soon. DAMN IT. DAMN IT SO MUCH. Pray Anne, don’t forget to pray.

Till the next post.