Menieres

Howdy TMM,

I am unfortunate to be gifted with meniere’s disease. I know He knows and plans best. Yet, as His weak servant, I couldn’t help but feel frustrated with this stupid illness.

Whenever it comes, my world will be spinning, my ears feels like it’s plugged and at times buzzing. The one thing that I really can’t stand is the nausea. I hate vomiting!! And behold…. I can expect lingering annoying dizziness for a day or two.

I hate being angry, but I feel angry at this stupid illness. Well for me it is stupid. I know I keep saying ‘stupid illnesses’. I have my reasoning, but I’ll save those for other time.

Why can’t I be free of it?? Why can’t I get a more common illness that doesn’t need explanation when mentioned? Why can’t I get a more common illness that nobody would look down upon? Pffttt. This anger would go once the dizziness goes away though.

Till the next post readers.

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KL Again

I’m in KL again, after my ritual balik kampung travel. I’m gonna rest for two days, then on Thursday I’ll be off to Kelantan. Weekend driving trips has been my norm this year.

During the 5 days spent in Kedah, I managed to meet Dr W and Dr O. One to talk, and another to talk and get my medications. I’m really grateful for Dr O’s kindness to provide me all the super-duper-damned-expensive medication. As for Dr W, I’m still not sure why I went to meet him yesterday. I just felt like talking to someone I trust about my worries, of my disappointment and things like that. He suggested that I request for psychotherapy sessions from HUKM’s docs. I think I’m gonna do that.

Psych. medications apparently are very expensive. I’m lucky to personally know Dr O. Seroquel XR 300 that I’m on is around RM20 per tab, and I’m taking 2 tabs everyday. Pffttt….. crazy. I don’t want to say much about Dr O in this entry. I do not know what to say aside from the gratefulness.

So that’s it for this entry. I foresee another entry later today. I’m still itchy to write to be honest. So… till the next post???

Of Wanting

I want it so much…. so very very much. But I know it is out of my grasp. I’ve tried to get it, and I failed. It makes me upset, it disappoints me so very much.

I do not know why I want it so much even-though I knew from the very beginning that it is unattainable. Nobody except me knows of this desperation. Come on Anne… let it go.

Doomed

Such an achievement!!! In a span of a day, I fall…. I fell into the deep pit of depression. And it is so bad…. so bad that I want to quit my job now. NOW!!

This would lead to ….. what the heck is wrong with me?

And my english SUCKS!!!

From The Office

Gosh, what did I wrote earlier. The piece was so … weird (if this is the right word to describe my writing).

I had my weekly discussion with DS. He still can’t find the folder containing information on the proposal that he wants me to write. It is funny though when he asked whether my Malay is good. Of course it is for God’s sake. I might be trained in Australia, but I scored 1A in my SPM’s Bahasa. My English on the other hand is deteriorating fast. During my hospital stay, my English was way better than now. I suspected it’s because of the daily talking session of at least 30 mins with Dr S, purely in english. I spent 40 days in the ward mind you. Besides the endless conversation, I poured my heart out on the hundreds of pages of my journal. I have never wrote and talk so much in my life.

I’m starting to feel annoyed with my list of stupid illnesses to be honest. Please God, don’t let the depression come back. I’m not ready to face it again this soon. DAMN IT. DAMN IT SO MUCH. Pray Anne, don’t forget to pray.

Till the next post.

Long Time

It has been so long hey TMM?? I’ve been wanting to write pretty badly but time and mood doesn’t permit.

Last night I saw an abc news of an elderly who died leaving only her thousands pages of journal. I wish I can write as eloquently as her. The writing, the wordings, the phrases…. are so absolutely amazing. She was 90 mind you. I guess it is the same around the world; people from her era often speak and write beautifully with CORRECT ‘tatabahasa’. I really have to improve mine.

I really need to read more. As I often said; to be an avid writer, you first need to be an avid reader. I’m sorry for the mixture of languages here. My memory is so insanely poor since ECT treatments. I forgot many things, even words during conversation sometimes. Pretty messed up really.

Returned to work…… since the past month. The CEO requested to see me, and ….. well the conclusion was: they need me. Even though I’m not yet required to carry out technical jobs, I’m still doing some to help the collegues. Should I be annoyed at myself?

Just ended my session with Prof A. I really feel bad for anyone who has to treat me, especially her. She went extra mile to help me and she really doesn’t has to. I don’t even know if the illnesses is real, so I do not want to burden the doctor. I voiced it out…. yet more appointment. Maybe I’m too adorable.

Yesterday, I was thinking about my life…. my life since I last attended usrah. I feel bad about it. Though I’m no longer in it, ISMA has always been close to my heart.

OK I leave it to this. Till the next post.

From The Laptop…

… again. Just wow!!! I’ve been without laptop for so long, typing feels like alien. Back to work today, yet not fully. I’ve made a deal with DS…. I agree to come to work, yet not on full time basis. I can’t push myself too much for the fear of SHOCK. I’ve to be careful…. very very careful. It would be a disaster if I fall into another episode. From experience…… my episodes have always been ugly… really really ugly that it would dent my reputation severely. Thus… be careful Anne. Be wise. Make the right decision. Give your mind the time to heal; yet, like a muscle, you need to ensure that it’s always working.

Ok till the next post.

Angry

I’m just so bloody angry. And I don’t like it. I don’t like being angry. The people around me or those who has worked with me would know how difficult it is to see me angry. However, I somehow have little patience left in me nowadays. I would be upset about the smallest issues.

Dato’ has requested to see me. I was okay with it yesterday, but at this very moment I’m really not in the mood. I’m so pissed that I’m afraid I’ll forget to be courteous. It gets ugly when I’m angry.

How am I supposed to get back to work with these stupid emotions of mine? I can’t handle stress; how am I going to handle the magnitude of stress that comes with work?

I’m tired. Life has been extra hectic. I have so many things to settle every single day. I think I’m heading into another dip. Good luck anne.

One Entry A Month?

Howdy.

It has really been a lengthy silence in this blog of mine. I’m not sure why…. probably because I’m feeling nothing; nothing bad. Been doing ect weekly now, every Friday. I’m getting tired of hospital visit to be honest…..

Well that’s it for now. Bye.

Five Days

It has been 5 days since I last post an entry here….. yet it feels like 5 years (OK exaggerating). Done 5 ECTs if I remembered correctly. Truth be told, I’m getting worried about my OSA, because every freaking time, the anaesth in charge would worry about it. And with every session, I can see that their worry is mounting….. apparently my oxygen level at each session are problematic. Even today, I was greeted by anaesth doctor when I woke up. OK stop thinking about it will ya Anne??