Long Time

It has been so long hey TMM?? I’ve been wanting to write pretty badly but time and mood doesn’t permit.

Last night I saw an abc news of an elderly who died leaving only her thousands pages of journal. I wish I can write as eloquently as her. The writing, the wordings, the phrases…. are so absolutely amazing. She was 90 mind you. I guess it is the same around the world; people from her era often speak and write beautifully with CORRECT ‘tatabahasa’. I really have to improve mine.

I really need to read more. As I often said; to be an avid writer, you first need to be an avid reader. I’m sorry for the mixture of languages here. My memory is so insanely poor since ECT treatments. I forgot many things, even words during conversation sometimes. Pretty messed up really.

Returned to work…… since the past month. The CEO requested to see me, and ….. well the conclusion was: they need me. Even though I’m not yet required to carry out technical jobs, I’m still doing some to help the collegues. Should I be annoyed at myself?

Just ended my session with Prof A. I really feel bad for anyone who has to treat me, especially her. She went extra mile to help me and she really doesn’t has to. I don’t even know if the illnesses is real, so I do not want to burden the doctor. I voiced it out…. yet more appointment. Maybe I’m too adorable.

Yesterday, I was thinking about my life…. my life since I last attended usrah. I feel bad about it. Though I’m no longer in it, ISMA has always been close to my heart.

OK I leave it to this. Till the next post.

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From The Laptop…

… again. Just wow!!! I’ve been without laptop for so long, typing feels like alien. Back to work today, yet not fully. I’ve made a deal with DS…. I agree to come to work, yet not on full time basis. I can’t push myself too much for the fear of SHOCK. I’ve to be careful…. very very careful. It would be a disaster if I fall into another episode. From experience…… my episodes have always been ugly… really really ugly that it would dent my reputation severely. Thus… be careful Anne. Be wise. Make the right decision. Give your mind the time to heal; yet, like a muscle, you need to ensure that it’s always working.

Ok till the next post.

Angry

I’m just so bloody angry. And I don’t like it. I don’t like being angry. The people around me or those who has worked with me would know how difficult it is to see me angry. However, I somehow have little patience left in me nowadays. I would be upset about the smallest issues.

Dato’ has requested to see me. I was okay with it yesterday, but at this very moment I’m really not in the mood. I’m so pissed that I’m afraid I’ll forget to be courteous. It gets ugly when I’m angry.

How am I supposed to get back to work with these stupid emotions of mine? I can’t handle stress; how am I going to handle the magnitude of stress that comes with work?

I’m tired. Life has been extra hectic. I have so many things to settle every single day. I think I’m heading into another dip. Good luck anne.

One Entry A Month?

Howdy.

It has really been a lengthy silence in this blog of mine. I’m not sure why…. probably because I’m feeling nothing; nothing bad. Been doing ect weekly now, every Friday. I’m getting tired of hospital visit to be honest…..

Well that’s it for now. Bye.

Five Days

It has been 5 days since I last post an entry here….. yet it feels like 5 years (OK exaggerating). Done 5 ECTs if I remembered correctly. Truth be told, I’m getting worried about my OSA, because every freaking time, the anaesth in charge would worry about it. And with every session, I can see that their worry is mounting….. apparently my oxygen level at each session are problematic. Even today, I was greeted by anaesth doctor when I woke up. OK stop thinking about it will ya Anne??

XanaX and StilnoX

Just gulped another 2.5 X 0.5mg alprazolam for my heavy chest and crazy palpitation. That makes it total of 4.5 X 0.5mg alprazolam in less than 30 minutes. Who cares. I’m not addicted mind you, haven’t took any for the past week.

It is nearly 3 am and I’m not sleepy at all. Such a wonder woman am I? Taken 20mg of Zolpidem but to no avail.

Dr W did said that my other medications : Venlafaxine (75mg), Seroquel XR (600mg) do not have “the required” drowsiness effect for an insomniac like me. Thus comes the Zolpidem and Alprazolam to the rescue <and at times rivotril>

To be honest, my trouble sleeping isn’t a daily occurrence. In fact, within the past 2 weeks, I haven’t had any Alprazolam. Stilnox though, I’ve taken 3 times this week…. not too bad hey? Thus my Zolpidem and Alprazolam stock will last a lot longer than Venlafaxine, Seroquel XR, and Propranolol.

So…. don’t say, NEVER say I’m addicted to xanax, stilnox, rivotril and so and so. Because honest be told, I took them only when I have no other solution for my chest pain and insomnia and painful palpitation. I really hate it when people suggests that I might get addicted to those medications…. because I’ve been prescribed those for nearly 10 years and if I am addicted, it wouldn’t be now hey?? In fact i never finish xanax, stilnox, rivotril stocks until the next prescription. SO STOP ASSUMING!!!

OK that’s it for now. Better cup noodle than drug addiction…

Dots to Dots

A few of my favourite from the great Dots-to-Dots journey….

Ever since my first lengthy admission to HUKM, I’ve started a new hobby….. doing the Dots – To – Dots puzzle series. Really, by doing so, I’m actually making sure my brain keeps working. It also cures my boredom, diverts my mind from the nonsense that I don’t want to think of, as well as making my extra long hospital stay more bearable.

OK, till the next post.

Give In

Finally I gave in…. gave in to ECT. Though today I really do not feel like doing ECT, I just shut my mind and said “YES” to Dr K. There’s really no point in resisting and delaying the inevitable…. I do not have much time to waste anymore. I’m desperate to be functional again. Lucky the Prof. decided that I can continue with the previous dosage instead of starting all over again…. it was high as it is and if I were to start all over, it’s gonna be a long long journey. So… Monday with 640.

Jangan Putus Asa

I’m getting sick of being sick. I’m getting sick of spending so much money for my medical needs. I feel like stopping all medications, all appointments, all treatment. I hate them so much. I’m broke, and God knows how much I hate to depend on my parents for expenses. I hate it so much. People might say that I’m lucky to have well-off parents…. yet do you know how much I hate it? To depends on people at the age of 32? I’m already ignoring the CPAP machine. I just don’t feel like it anymore.

Wahai Tuhan pemilik nyawaku, lindungi aku dari putus asa…..

TMM 2

Howdy,

I’ve been writing a lot. A LOT. On papers…. I have dried out 3 pens… how’s that?? I’ve always found calmness in writing; yet somehow writing doesn’t work its magic this week. Yup… that’s about it.

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I need to make a decision, HUKM or HSB. And it is hard.

There’re only 3 things in my prayers these days:

1. Asking for His forgiveness

2. Asking for strength

3. Asking for Him to show me the way…

Nothing else. Nothing came to my mind.

But maybe I forget…. I forget to thank Him instead of only asking.

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Wow… I’m impressed with the entries dated back to Ramadan. I wasn’t this hopeless and I still got Allah in mind.

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Yup… that’s about it. A reminder to YOU Anne. Headache alert….