Hellish

Howdy.

It is rather difficult to define my feeling and what’s going thru my mind at the moment. But with certainty, I can tell that this is hellish moment; again.

Being dead; again; feels like the best situation to be in. Perhaps, the best way to sum it is I’m suicidal; again. I know for most people what I’m saying is stupid. But I can’t really help it (can’t I??). I want to lock myself in the room. I do not want to face the world and it’s judging eyes.

I have loss compassion. I do not feel sorry for other people anymore. The world is cruel, so am I. So be it.

Well, that’s enough for now. Adios.

Advertisements

Discharged

Discharged from the ward…. finally. After more than a month. Honest be told, I can’t remember much from those depressed period. ECT might do wonders…. maybe. It is difficult to accept that some memories will forever be gone, but maybe it is for the best. After 3 days, I actually has just remembered the existence of TMM. Better late than never yeah? 

Home Leave 2

Granted home leave again… though almost retracted  by the doctor. That was close. Yesterday and this morning were terrible…. I lose control and “scratch” my arm again. It is still hard to control my emotion. Done ECT #5 today, and surprisingly I feel some improvement in my mood as soon as I woke up. For a few hours at least….. now I’m a bit stressed out again. Please be good Anne. Well at least it started giving effect, I think. 

Leaving Hospital…

… for home leave. Nursing my headache, on my own bed in my own room by writing here. Not a solution, I know; but what else should I do when sleep is imposible? I have counted 688 sheeps before I gave up. Earlier in the ward, I envied those who underwent ECT before me but were yet awaken from their sleep. Such a bliss. I have written lots of entry on the notebook; but whether those shall end up here, only time will tell. 

Just why all my synflex are left at the ward? Urgh…..  Must remember to ask back from them. 

Damning Life

Why is life becoming complicated again. And why did I met Ms B??? Stupid me. I am not able to think this through… I do not know what should I do. Can I just die?? 

Wonderland

I wonder what I feel. I’m pretty much confused of my state of emotion. I’m confused again of whether I’m really sick or faking it. I’m confused of what I should do to cure my emotion and my mind….. to heal it, to be passionate about work again, to have hope in living life as I usually did. 

Staying at home has its own disadvantages, so does being admitted. My buddy in the ward, the most sane person that I can talk to normally has been discharged. Ms B, has been out of HDU and being totally honest, that freaks me out. My problem with the staff can be ignored, but not the with Ms B. 

OK…. the anger is building up. I don’t think I can last till Monday. Probably lamictal not working for me…..

Nothing much to say aside from “I’m super sleepy“. Aidan is already in slumberland and I envy him for that. Shower today is so blissful. I miss the water heater so much. 

Not sure what is going to happen tomorrow…. discharge or no discharge or ect or whatever. My tremor is getting worse. 

Drove my car last night and hit the wall. Shit, my brand new car. What a bad end to a good day. Sigh. 

Sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga. Lepas tu kena pijak dengan gajah

Dear Diary

Howdy, 

I miss the blog so much…. many things happen in these two weeks especially the weekends; I feel quite confused. I became very agitated and pissed off at the weekend nurses for insulting me and the weekend oncall doctor for being arrogant. The feel to cut as of now is completely non existance, but is replaced with the outspoken, rude, showing off me. I do not know which one is better…. but they deserves that for sure. 

As for me, I’m taking two nights break from that place to cool off my head before feeling anything, before making any decision; which I have no idea at the moment aside from”please just end”.

I no longer keep track of my night medications….. they are slowly replacing my epilim with lamictal (which I’m very afraid off). Sleeping is still very hellish. 

OK I’m confused now. God please help me get all better by Wednesday. Till the next post TMM. 

TMM

Dear TMM, 

The Manic Me……

I created you when I was first diagnosed with bipolar. You are the way for me to vent my feelings. My anger, my depression, my happiness, my ideas…… basically you are my diary. But at times, people found you. 

You are no human, so I think you won’t be missing me if I’m gone hey? No more crazy posts, no more howdy mate!, no more rantings, no more swearing.

Hey TMM….. do you know I’ve bought the razor blade? I tried it on and believe me….. it is the easiet and pain-free way to cut thru skin. How could we not know that before?? 

I’m losing my appetite now, which may be good. I only ate one nasi lemak bungkus this morning. Yesterday, I ate one chicken chop at dinner. Well a meal a day isn’t that bad. 

I’m so angry today… and when I’m angry, I’m dangerous. I spoke to the doctor in a high tone today, and I kicked the chair and backpack in his room. Whatever…. I don’t bloody care. Sick of his non stop why why why why why. I don’t bloody care why, god made me depress so go ask god. With his why why why, I was plotting of murdering myself in my head and the suicidal feeling is growing faster than ever…..

Well as I said, it is my fault. Nobody else’s. Maybe he’s in bad mood or maybe we are not compatible. Maybe it is best for both of us to change doctor. Issue settled. 

Dr W suggested I go to SP or K hospital….. He’ll know me well of what I might do at home. Malas aku nak pegi. We’ll take day by day. 

Dear Dr…. 

This love letter is for the first doctor that diagnosed me with bipolar illness. Dr W. I am still thankful for that. It has been nearly 10 years of ups and downs I guess. You have never given up on me. 

People might saya “wow…. anne is so blessed to still be able to work… aerospace engineer lagi walaupon ada bipolar”. Yeah right. And many never know how much I struggle to keep functioning as it seems. How many extended medical leaves and unpaid leaves, how many drugs mods and their side effects, how much tears of hopelessness, how many cuts and drops of bloods, how many hospitalizations, how many times “jatuh terduduk menangis kat kaki lima”. You are a few that know. No…. they just say I’m the lucky one. Well whatever, that’s not the point. 

Dr W, 

Thank you for trying your best even if I’m no longer under your care. Your hands might be tied at the back, but you did the best you could. It is nobody’s fault if I don’t survive this…. totally mine. You have done everything in your power, even jeopardising your relationship with your ex colleagues. Some sneers that patients at private hospital are not that sick and are attention seekers. But I also know, being a doctor at private hospital is tough too. I have so many times heard the bad perceptions about private doctors are there just for money. But I don’t think that of you. I know you care….. You played a pivotal role  in my health for the past ten years, I trust your judgement, your advice, your recommendation even when it came about other illness of mine. So thank you. Thanks. May Allah’s blessing be upon you all the time.